Still trying to get my strength back. I find it very hard trying to fight addiction when your run down. Sometimes it takes me a couple of hours just to get myself together in the morning. It's going to be a lot harder when I start back to work. I'm a bit worried about that. don't think I'll be the same person they are used to seeing. all I can do is try. I bought some milk and ice cream last night. I'm drinking milkshakes with eggs to get some weight back. I can't beleive how much I ran myself down, and I didn't even feel bad. At least at work I'll be surounded with food. That helps the apetite. Going to the Dr's today to get the form filled that I need. Also going for therapy for my hand, which doesn't seem much differant. Anyway, got to go. Mayby be back later.       Back again. what a beutiful day outside. Sunny and very warm. I had to take off my sweater and coat because I was sweating too much. On my third milkshake with egg. Had a couple of hot dogs too. I'm going to beat this damned shit. while at therapy I got talking with the therapist about things. I told her about getting sqrewed up on the meds, and we also talked about the progress of everything, which doesn't seem anything. This whole thing with the operation has just been nuts. I was doing so good before it. I never should have done it. Looking back, I really could get along fine without the use of my thumb. It's on my left hand, and I'm right handed, so it really doesn't matter. I've done fine without it for a few years anyway. i think I just wanted time off for awhile, but that was rerally a stupid decision. Working twice as hard just to keep up with everything. Everybody downtown here seems to be right into Haloween. Lots of grown ups walking around dressed up. Doesn't mean anything to me. I doubt if kids will come here trick or treating. Only ones tricking will be the usual hookers at the corner. Well, Tim came by I see yesterday while I was working. left some of his stuff in my room. I know i said i can use the help, but I'm wondering a little how this is really going to be. i can't help it, but I feel funny about it. Not sure what I feel. I still feel a little hurt about things not working out with G. I still am trying to deal with that in some ways. No use to say it's not affecting me, because it's just not true. I know it could have worked out very well for us. I know that for sure, but it's not what she wanted and I have to accept that. I am trying, but I think that what bugs me is that she didn't seem to give it a real chance, but it's the way it is. Nothing I can do accept get myself well, and perhaps try again. I do understand the reasons, but it doesn't mean I have to like or agree with them. I still do love her very much. I know the good person that she is. I always will love her. Just one of those things about life that you want to yell, "Unfair," but there's nothing you can do. It's just the way it is. With Tim being here, and he isn't even really here yet, I already have some feelings about that. I know it's something I need to work out. It just seems so all wrong, and not what I planned for. Anyway, gotto go. Just had to get this out.