Well, today I have to decide. Am I going down, or do I want to fight. Going down to me is to be dead. I can't go there. I would rather die than do that. So I'm deciding I need to fight. These fucking pain killers have to go. I want myself back, and I want the peace I felt before. I'm scared of the path I seem to be on. I'm going to phone the Dr tomorow and get back to work. This sitting around, just waiting for Bob to work, and then having to fight for my money, is not working. I had so much energy brfore. I had peace of mind. God, how I miss that. Ecverything seems to be off center right now. All I do is pace around my apartment trying to figure out what I'm doing, and all the while things seem to be closing in on me. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. This is not me. Damned it. I'm so sick and tired of struggling with addictions. It seems all my life I have done that. Booze, drugs, cigarettes, caffein, pills. Does it ever end. Just when I seem to get a handle on things, something else pops up. I feel like just giving up everything and running, but where? God, I wish I could just lay down and go to sleep forever, but that's not happening. No, I'm not thinking I want to die or anything. I just want to get myself to a place that I'm comfortable with life again, and not be worrying about everything. Lord, I pray that you give me strength to do what I need to do. Help me to face these problems, and get through them, and don't let me go down. Give me courage to face my addictions, and get controle again so I can be the person you want me to be. Thank you, Amen.