Well, today I have to decide. Am I going down, or do I want to fight. Going down to me is to be dead. I can't go there. I would rather die than do that. So I'm deciding I need to fight. These fucking pain killers have to go. I want myself back, and I want the peace I felt before. I'm scared of the path I seem to be on. I'm going to phone the Dr tomorow and get back to work. This sitting around, just waiting for Bob to work, and then having to fight for my money, is not working. I had so much energy brfore. I had peace of mind. God, how I miss that. Ecverything seems to be off center right now. All I do is pace around my apartment trying to figure out what I'm doing, and all the while things seem to be closing in on me. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. This is not me. Damned it. I'm so sick and tired of struggling with addictions. It seems all my life I have done that. Booze, drugs, cigarettes, caffein, pills. Does it ever end. Just when I seem to get a handle on things, something else pops up. I feel like just giving up everything and running, but where? God, I wish I could just lay down and go to sleep forever, but that's not happening. No, I'm not thinking I want to die or anything. I just want to get myself to a place that I'm comfortable with life again, and not be worrying about everything. Lord, I pray that you give me strength to do what I need to do. Help me to face these problems, and get through them, and don't let me go down. Give me courage to face my addictions, and get controle again so I can be the person you want me to be. Thank you, Amen.
Replies
james, maybe you need to try a different antidepressant........or go to counseling an extra day once in awhile.......it is partly because of the damn pain pills..... i know i have been there..........just be good to yourself right now.......
James...Don\'t give up on you...you are worth whatever you are going through...what you are feeling right now will pass. When you come out on the other side of this you will know just how strong you are and you will see just how much people really care about you. Hugs and Loves Ree
I like the days that I just DO stuff and not EVALUATE every thought/action/feeling. You sound so much like me. And I know that I sound like so many people... I have learned not to trust my feelings, they shift with the sand. I don\'t trust my thinking when I am drug-affected.
Here\'s what I do trust: Actions. What I see people do. What I see me doing.
From reading your posts and journals, I see this: You are busy as much as you can be, physically. It goes well with you to physically work... and you seem to have your mind and heart follow.
Challenge: Remove all mind altering drugs for 30 days, then see where you feel/think you are. Right now, you are stirred up and you are not able to know peace. This comes from being drug-affected. Remove the damn stuff and you will become a different person. Prayer works better when you are not drug-affected.
Take a leap of faith. But make it a BIG leap! Not a half-assed, slice of small increments (slicing and dicing those pills to smaller and smaller doses SETS UP CRAVING.... your little cells go [if they can think!] \"if I agitate long and hard enough, I will get more drugs\".)
And I am not talking about the drugs like Seroquel or Effexor; those will take a long time to work through... but they do affect your thinking. I have a ton of long-term experience with those 2 drugs and I am drug-free completely and have been for over 5 years. I found those drugs to be very helpful to get through some difficult times, but I have found that I like me best when I am completely drug free.
You are valued by me and many others on DS, and you are a valuable source of experience, strength and hope when you share.
Peace and love will come, do some footwork!
~Diane (DnSage)