Feeling so lost lately. I feel like I'm struggling by myself just to keep afloat. Not sure exactly whats going on. sometimes I think it's the weather, and the change of season, other times I think it's just age and the realization that I just can't seem to get it together. sometimes I think it's just being alone. This apartment is hard keeping up, especially being on disability right now. I should talk to the Dr and get back to work. Having some regularity might help. Working with Bob has become a depressing thing. I want to do work and get a sense of satisfaction, but that's just not happening. He seems so of the wall and disorganized, and it's having an affect on my being possitive. Every job we try to do just seems so fucked up. So much time is spent just trying to find stuff or get the right things to work with. A major problem too that I noticed is that my weight loss is really having an affect on me. Last weak there were some days that I just was so weak. It was when I tried going without the painkillers. I just couldn't do anything. It makes me scared too, because there is no one to look after me or things if I get sick. I sometimes think that having this apartment is too much. I want Jimmy to have room to play and stuff, but it seems like I'm just working to maintain. I feel like I need some help here. It was good when G was here. We seemed to get by pretty good, but now that that seems gone, what the hell am I doing? I have a dinning room table for what? Just me. I tried making this place like a home, because I always wanted that. But I want a home to share with someone. That was the original idea. Even if I wanted to move, what the heck am I going to do with this stuff? Well, no sense thinking along those lines. I do like having this place, just not being alone.