Todat was a bit differant at work. My supervisor was off, so guess who is doing her job? Plus a new guy started and they put him with me. The busiest section of the place where your right with the customers and they put a new guy. He got a little trying at times because he was so nervous. His hands were shaking like he was having withdrawels. I was patient and did my best, but the guy just needs a lot of training. Seemed to have a hard time listening and paying attention to direction. Anyone familiar with that? Otherwise things went well. I did get the wrong bus today. When it turned off King St. I thought it was just taking a detour because they have been doing construction lately, but when I seen Westmount I knew something was wrong. One thing I noticed about the situation is that I didn't panic or get all upset about it. I knew it was just a simple mistake, and sometimes shit happens. Actually I enjoyed the extra time to just read and relaxe. In the past I remember that anything like this would have really messed up my day. I would have been angry and embaressed at being late. I would have felt like some ass. This to me is an example of growth. I can see with time, I am learning to accept life on it's terms, especially with some recent changes in my life. I have started more to focus on taking care of me. In the past I never had a desire to care about myself, but I am now. After all, who knows my needs more than me, other than God. Perhaps these are signs of the wisdom that comes with age, partly so I think. I am becoming more comfortable about things, and feeling more of a sense of peace. I have found that my happiness does not come from others. I can share happiness with others, but it doesn't come from them. My happiness and peace come from my relationship with God, and how I reflect that. I look at the past as a learning thing. Much like history teaches us. Looking back on my past, before I knew God, my choices in life were usually wrong. Like the old saying in A.A. It was my greatest thinking that got me there. With God now in my life, I find that I am making more of the right choices. Even concerning my relaps, sure I chose the wrong thing at first, but that I have learned is the normal thing for addicts to do. When your emotionally unwell, what is the normal thing for an addict to do? Medicate the emotions that they can't deal with, or haven't learned to deal with. Sometimes we can allow ourselves to be emotionally overwhelmed that we can see no ways of releif. And who in their right mind wants that. It feels horible, but it's us that allow the thoughts. We entertain them until they become too much. I'm learning how not to do that now. I have to. If I am to survive in this world, and live a happy life then I need to learn how to couteract these thoughts. Drinking I have found is no answer. There might be some sort of tempary releif, but alcohol is a depressant. It only makes things worse because it intensifies the emotions. It supresses the emotions perhaps for a short period, but because of the effect on the central nervous system the emotions intensify once the alcohol wears off. For me that means that thoughts of hoplessness, depression, thoughts of suicide and utter defeat about life. The last time I drank I was fortunate that I had the ability to foresee tghe future if I were to continue. I looked at all that I had gained and accomplished and it became very clear what a life of not drinking can do. In some ways I am glad that I had that experience. I seem to be more grateful for things that may seem small to others. I remember often in A.A. the feeling that you were a failure because of a relapse. I remember how others would gossip sometimes because someone had fallen. I remember the feeling of guilt and shame at having to get another desire chip, and the humiliation of standing for the hundreth time in front of all those people. Today I don't feel ashamed. I know there are lessons in everything in life. Most of our success and accomplishments come about because of the mistakes we make, and the ability to learn from them. I thank you, Lord for helping me through these lessons of life. May I always try to do your will, and not my own. Amen.