Just feel like writting tonight. My intelectual side seems to need some exercise it seems. Thats part of the problem I think for a lot of addicts and alcoholics. We are usually very intelectual, but have kept our minds filled for so long with wrong stuff. I think it's good to let it out once in awhile. At least here I can't piss anyone off by using these few brain cells that are left. Alright, God, lets get at it. There are three kinds of storms in life that we all strugle with and when we allow them to overcome us we can be consumed by everything until we feel that everything is hopeless.. Those we bring on ourselves, the ones that God creates, and the storms that others cause. In recovery we need to learn how to deal with these. Looking back at my relaps, it was caused by a storm. Wheather real or imagined it was a storm to me that I need to look at closely to learn about what happened so that I can grow and learn from it. These kinds of storm are faced by any addict, actualy, everybody. But with addicts and alcoholics they can have more problems dealing with these because of the lack of years of emotional growth that most non addicts learn throughout life. When we started drinking or using on a regular basis we stopped our emotional growth. Usually it was because of our inability to deal with emotions properly that led us into our addictions. I know this was true for me. in my younger years I felt awful most of the time. I had a very low self esteem, that I beleive came directly from verbal abuse, out of ignorence, during my childhood. Inpatience often gets us into trouble and can lead us into a storm. Impatience can cause us to jump into things that may be wrong for us. I've had this problem a long time. Usually when I want something, I want it now, but looking at the past(Not dwelling in it. History is there to learn from. Not beat ourselves up about.) Lots of times I jumped into things with absolutely no thought , or even knowing the consequences. My ma rriage, jobs... There are many things I can look at. Most of the time I was living in ignorence toward God. I didn't know him, or understand anything about him. I'm learning as I grow that it's a good thing to check things out with God first. I'm not grate at it, but I'm getting better. As a lot of us do, we prefere to check with him after the fact because he just might not give us the answeer were looking for. Sounds like self will to me. And again we also like to blame him for our bad outcomes. Aren't we people just nuts? we like to follow our human nature, instead of our spiritual life that we are supposed to do. The one that was given to us freely. Human nature, I think is crazy. Just look around at the world and where were heading. Selfishness,and greed abounds all around us. Everything has to do with money, or what people can get. It's just a simple fact of human nature. All of us have it. It's our human nature. To rid ourselves of it, and I really don';t beleive thats 100% possible, but I could be wrong, I don't know, but it takes spituality messures, learning, living, and applying what we learn to our lives. A lot of people think that just praying will do the trick. That's wishful thinking. It doesn't happen like abra cadaba. To live a spiritual life takes work and risk. It won't fall from the sky. there are three things that cause us to get into messes. We can listen to the wrong experts. People that think they know what their talking about. There's lots out there. I've talked to lots that have so much to say about the bible, but did they ever spend any time studying it to confirm their opinions? most haven't, but they talk like experts. Some even can convince people of what they say. I beleived a lot of shit in my life that I now can see through. I remember a sponsor I had that talked like he knew everything about the bible, because he was sent to a catholic school for so many years. I asked him the simplest things, and his answer were so wrong. I asked him who wrote the book of Mathew. He couldn't answer. Here's a gut that spent years hearing about God, reading, and supposedly, studying the bible, but he had no clue. It was Mathew of course, for anyone reading this. He lived in ignorence, and here he was my sponsor going to show me how to live. everybody has an expert opinion, but the fact is that experts are often wrong, and when we ask the wrong experts we are going to get the wrong answers. The second reason that we get into messes is that we look at what the majority thinks. What is the consenses of whats normaly accepted. That can be wrong to. I remember a girlfreind that I was living with would always use, what others thought was normal, to justify arguments to work her way. Just because they thought something was normal didn't make it right for me. One argument I remember is when I got upset when she brought me to one of her pick up spots that she went to when she was drinking. After being there and seeing guys out making the moves on women, I didn't want to be there. It wasn't morally right for me. I wasn't drinking at the time, and seeing this going on upset me and I left. It was right for me. I didn't like what I was seeing. If I had of been drinking it might have been differant, but she argued later that her freinds thought it was normal, as if that made me wrong for doing what I did. It was wrong to me no matter what anybody says, but she couldn't understand that.. Popular opinions, and ideas can get us into messes, aso there not always the right ways.. The only way I know is the right way is God's ways. They never fail me when I listen and follow them, but thats another story. I'm trying tho. Somtimes we can also get ourselves in trouble by relying on circumstances. Sometimes they can seem so right, but not always. Even sometimes trying to do something good can go so wrong.  Boy it's getting late already, just when I was getting into things. Oh, well. To be continued tomorow. This was nice tho. I feel like some time was spent with God and me. I needed it. Thank you so muc, Lord.