Well, I'm out of my little rut. everything is alright. I know I was starting down that downward spiral, but thats not happening. Change my thoughts. It's what I have always told others, funny when it comes to yourself it can seem hard. I need to look at all the wonderful things that have been accomplished by staying sober. The job, the food, lil Jimmy, the nice furniture, and most of all the freedom to live. That other life scares me. I don't think I could live it again. I would rather kill myself than go back to that hell. I just came back from seeing my counselor at the John Howard Society. thank God I had enough brains to seek some professional help. We talked about everything, and it was good. He told me the same things I used to tell other people. I really needed to hear it. It brought me back to reality and made me realize that I am a good person. I've come a long way. It put a lot of my fears to rest. I need to remember that staying sober is for me to have the life I always wanted, and it's comming. I would like for it to be with a certain person, but if they don't want it, thats still going to be alright. It's not going to be the end for me. Perhaps another begining. Anyway, whatever it will be, it will be. Time to start moving ahead towards my new life. I need to pat myself on the back for all thats happened so far. It's not the end. Life is full of new beginings. Cut those negative thoughts right off. They''ll kill ya. My counselor said something that I used to practise but forgot to do this time. He said to think of a red stop sign whever you get negative thoughts. I'm going to do that now. I thank you Lord so much for being there always, even when I think you've deserted me, you've always been there. Thank you. P.S. Lil Jimmy, my cat caught his first mouse the other morning. I was so proud of him. He was so proud to. He had it waiting dead to show me. I told him how good he was and got him a nice can of cat food. He thinks he's the king of the house now. He's always checking everything now. He's really becoming a great pal. He even likes kissing me when I come home, or it's time for bed. When I get his food he jumps up my leg if I'm taking too long. He loves to jump for some reason, and he's really good at it. He jumps so high for such a little guy. I'm so happy to have him. He's really my freind.