Spent the last couple of days trying to get myself back on track. I think I'm alright, but I'm going to start seeing a counsellor I was seeing before. I find the last few months I've been trying hard to get something going in my life. I do have alot going for me right now, and I am happy for it, but I seem to get in these moods after awhile when great changes don't seem to be happening as I want them to. I find myself comparing with other people, and in my mind I don't measure up to what i want or expect of myself. i know it's only been six months that I stopped drinking, but i want so much to be this... i guess I have this image of the man I think I should be in my head. i want the car, I want the safe suroundings of nice people and a safe enviroment. this area that i live in, I really get tired of seeing hookers, drug addicts, empty baggies of used dope or syringes on the streets, every time I go out. this downtown Kitchener is really not the place for me. the only time these kind of suroundings were acceptable to me was when I was using. I miss seeing nice people playing with kids in the park. Work seems to make me feel...angry or resentful. I'm not sure what I feel, but I really feel much differant from the others. alot of things happened since I started there that make me feel like some sort of outcast or something. i try to deal with it, but it gets to me. It's not easy after being a chef for so long and then going back as an ordinary worker. i have people that are less qualified telling me how to do things, and lots of times I can tell that they don't know what there talking about, but I have to go along with it. most times I do well, but I cqan feel some resentments building inside. Perhaps there more for myself for fucking up my life so much. i wonder sometimes if I'll ever be really happy with work again. I know I will. I guess it's patience and tollerance that I need, but how the hell do you get those with people that are really assholes at times. And thats not my imagination. the things i have went through at this place are really more than most others would be able to go through. i guess most of the stuff I was just burying inside with the beleife rthat it was making me stronger, but I think I really need to reevaluate whats going on. my home life is great. i have a wonderful lady and lots of love here. everything I need, but this stuff at work really needs to be looked at, and thats my reason for counselling. i just feel like I don't know what to do. i think it's the right thing. I thank you, Lord, and please stay with me. Thats enough venting for now. it does feel good to get a little out, but it's hard to type with one finger. Bye.