Today I feel very tired and drained. Thoughts about getting high in some way keep going through my head. If only there was a way to do it without the consequences, but there isn't. I can't go back no matter what. Everything I have done over the last little while would be for nothing. I'm not doing that. Everything seems to be bothering me today, at least here at the center. I feel like I'm being used here. I keep pushing and pushing for things to happen, but nobody else seems to care. The only thing they seem to care about is the dollar. I come in today and three people are here. The coffee is empty, the sugar is empty, and nobody cares enough to empty the water that keeps leaking in the washroom, so the washroom is flooded. Dillon used to give the other guy money for looking after the center at night, and he never did anything except play bridge on the computer. I keep the place spotless. I've been spending money out of my own pocket trying to get the place nice. I've never asked, or expected anything for it. I've mostly done it because I felt it was the right thing to do as far as my sobriety is concerned, but now I feel that I'm being taken for granted. I feel that I'm being used for my niceness. The food that I started making here, nobody seems to care. They'll eat it, but then leave me the dirty dishes. I just feel like telling Dillon to shove this place. Recovery shouldn't be this way, I think. I've tried my damdest to do things right, but it doesn't seem to matter. I seem like the only one that is trying to practise being a good person. Everyone else is out for themselves. Maybe I just need to take some time for myself. Seems like I've been giving, and giving since getting sober, and now I don't feel I have much more to give. Even the dreams I had about starting another life with someone has seemed to have fallen through. Perhaps I was just dreaming too much about it. After all, it wasn't their dream. People just seem to care about themselves, and that seems to be the way it is. Perhaps I need to start doing that too. The guys that are in sobriety that I have tried to get to come here seem to be only interested in using the computers for their own stuff, then there gone. Maybe this is just what it is for the day. I need to be thankful still for what I have. Today I have a life that can have purpose if I choose, just doesn't feel that way right now.
Replies
I know about the ones out for themselves........ and not all of us are. Some people just don\'t understand what the real thing going on with someone else is. That is the way this world is.... some of us who think they know better for someone else,,, and those that know they don\'t. Life falling apart happens because we don\'t understand or even attempt too.... still their way or no way....... glad ya didn\'t get drunk
James every job that I have worked for I always feel that I am the only one that is doing the place good but maybe it\'s just my way of thinking. You are contributing alot and I see that but try to focus more on you and not what others are or aren\'t doing. If you work at this sobriety house I\'m not sure what the exact title is keep in mind there are sick people everywhere and some just don\'t care but don\'t become like them. You sound like a very hard worker.I know it gets to you at times but just stay strong and take some time out for you when you have a day off like go to a movie, walk,whatever you like to do. Take care of yourself.
I\'m sorry you\'re feeling so stinky James. Take a rest for yourself - consider it well deserved and if any of those schmucks asks you about it say \"It\'s just to hard to keep doing things that I don\'t feel are ever appreciated by the people I do them for\" and say no more. Things will pick up again and you\'ll feel upbeat - I hate urges, so I hope your\'s have gone by the time you are reading this. :) xo Elle
YOUR AWESOME JAMES, FOR HELPING THESE PEOPLE, YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD..... LOVE YA