4 months
Dear Friends,
It has been 4 months since Steve broke his rib. It has been so hard on him. Very painful and life changing. He has always been a night owl, staying up late and sleeping in. He is now in bed by eleven and still sleeps late.
He has slept on his right side for the entire time. Not possible to lay on the side with the broken rib. This turns him away from me. We used to cuddle at night but now he just wants to go to sleep. I know some of this is the medicine but I miss him holding me. Please don't think I am whining, I have noticed such a change in him. He feels panic sometimes but he handles it so differently than me. He does not want to talk. He sits on the side of the bed perfectly still. I want to ask palliative care for Ativan, I am told this would help settle him. He refuses to take any other medication. He has come off some of the pain meds because it makes his eyes very blurry.
I am trying to stay positive but this morning but I am feeling so blue. 14 years is a long time to stay in limbo. I guess he is feeling the same. He has a right to feel that way! He is so strong in his faith, I need to be more like him!
When you guys say a prayer for Steve would you say one for me too?
So many are so much worse than us. I am sorry if I appear ungrateful. I honestly don't mean to come off that way. I guess I am the one needing something for depression. I have Zanax but hate the way it makes me feel. Guess I need to pray for strength. I am not the most healthy person myself but I know that God will see us through this.
My love to each of you,
Wanda
It has been 4 months since Steve broke his rib. It has been so hard on him. Very painful and life changing. He has always been a night owl, staying up late and sleeping in. He is now in bed by eleven and still sleeps late.
He has slept on his right side for the entire time. Not possible to lay on the side with the broken rib. This turns him away from me. We used to cuddle at night but now he just wants to go to sleep. I know some of this is the medicine but I miss him holding me. Please don't think I am whining, I have noticed such a change in him. He feels panic sometimes but he handles it so differently than me. He does not want to talk. He sits on the side of the bed perfectly still. I want to ask palliative care for Ativan, I am told this would help settle him. He refuses to take any other medication. He has come off some of the pain meds because it makes his eyes very blurry.
I am trying to stay positive but this morning but I am feeling so blue. 14 years is a long time to stay in limbo. I guess he is feeling the same. He has a right to feel that way! He is so strong in his faith, I need to be more like him!
When you guys say a prayer for Steve would you say one for me too?
So many are so much worse than us. I am sorry if I appear ungrateful. I honestly don't mean to come off that way. I guess I am the one needing something for depression. I have Zanax but hate the way it makes me feel. Guess I need to pray for strength. I am not the most healthy person myself but I know that God will see us through this.
My love to each of you,
Wanda
Replies
Hugs, Wanda. When you said that Steve sits on the side of the bed, perfectly still, that brought back images of my hubby doing the same. They have so much to contemplate, so much to deal with, as do we, being their spouse. Prayers for you as always, praying you can lean into the Lord.
Love,
Karen
Hello Dear Wanda,
I can totally relate to our men changing. Ray has become quite distant and extremely negative and aggitated. I know it\'s mostly the steroids, so I pray for patience for myself.
Hon, I pray for you and Steve every night, as I do for our other friends going through hard times. Thanks for letting us know about D and Meriel.
Is Steve still in alot of pain? How long have y\'all had pallitive care, and what all do they do? Sure it\'s something we will face in the future...and I know nothing about it.
I have to take an Ativan at bedtime. It\'s the only thing that helps me relax and shuts down my mind running. My doc suggested one in the mornings too, but I can\'t do that as I am the only one that can drive now. I also take an anti-depressant, which I\'ve been on for many years. Maybe you need to ask about that, Wanda.
Know that I\'m always here for you. Our walks are all too close now.
My Love, Ingrid
Wanda - my dear friend and town crier! Love you. You know the only able to sleep on one side thing - we were lucky in that back when D and I were able to share a bed, D could only sleep on his right side aswell, but that was the right side for us, and I was always so thankful the way it turned out - but I wonder - could you swap sides of the bed? So very worth it for cuddles I\'d say....even if you are all set in your ways as to who sleeps on which side, which I imagine after the many many happy years you two have been together, you are.....you know they say a change is as good as a rest....
The last thing you ever are is ungrateful or negative dear Wanda. This disease takes its toll, and 14 years of it is bound to hurt in lots of different ways. Ask for whatever you think might help - for you and for Steve. Trying will not harm.
prayers and thanks for the blessing of your friendship coming your way x x x x
Dear Karen I have missed you so and think of you often, Meriel you and Ingrid are such good friends to take time to journal when your men are suffering too.
My love to each of you,
Wanda
Dearest Wanda, You and Steve both have been in my prayers. I know how this journey greatly affects the caregiver who loves the one they are caring for. I recall when M started getting so weak too. I missed so many things. I also learned that when in the dark of the night, I crawled into bed careful not to disturb him, he sometimes reached over ever so slowly to hold my hand. A touch like that was all I needed because I knew it was the greatest gift I could get from him at the time. And yes, I remember when I couldn\'t even get a touch from him, but I thought even though he can\'t touch me, perhaps he needs to feel my touch, so I stroked his back, or forehead, whatever I could and that was enough then. I learned that even though I was dealing with so much loss and change in my life, I also was still so blessed because he was there. This is never going to be easy but, you must make the most of what you have with Steve. I am sure he is having a difficult time coping with this disease. It is okay to feel lost, sad or whatever feelings you are having. You can let it all out here. There is nothing you can say that we wouldn\'t understand. I love you and will pray for you both as well as all my DS friends hurting right now. Linda
Wanda, you whine. I don\'t think that is possible. You have been such a strong person since I first started reading your posts, which by the way I am always anxious to see. I think of both you and Steve so much and you are always in my prayers. I can not imagin what thoughts and feeling the two of you are having. It is such a hard time for both of you. You have been doing this for such a long time, while Frank was gone so quickly. I don\'t think the emotions and blues are unexpected. You both have so much to deal with. If Xanax dosn\'t work for you ask the Dr. about something else. I know that depression is an energy drain. I am so grateful for my Dr.\'s finding the right meds for me, it does help. I wish so much that I could give you a hug and let you know how much you are thought of. I have always admired your ability to share your feelings wtih all of us. It is such a relief to be able to share with other, who understand. Love to you both, Jane
Dearest Wanda,
The last thing you are is negative or ungrateful. My heart goes out to you. You are both very much in my thoughts and prayers.
Love you, my beautiful friend
Wanda,
We are here for you, that is what friends do, and I do not consider it whining, you are expressing your feelings to your friends. We hurt with you, I wish we all were there to give you a big group hug. I agree with others maybe you need to check with your doctor to see if he can give you something else. many prayers for you and Steve..
luv and hugs my friend,
Annette
Oh Wanda, I am praying. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. Seeing the pain he tries to hide, his reluctance to take medicine, the night owl - that probably held you as you fell asleep each night....so much like my Dan. The thing I missed most of all when his back pain led him to sleep in the recliner each night was falling asleep in his arms. I STILL miss it to this day. Though I am remarried, James falls asleep before I do and has to sleep a certain way because of his migraines and can\'t stay comfortable holding me in his arms. Plus he works nights so is only there 3 nights any way. So, I find myself still missing falling asleep in Dan\'s arms. So, I know JUST how you feel when you are missing that cuddle time.
There is not a single one of us here that would EVER think you are ungrateful. You are an inspiration to us!
Hugs
Angie
Wanda, I wanted to let you know that I was checking in on you and Steve.
much luv and prayers from Texas
Annette