4/25/2014
Friday. Only half days on Fridays. Had to drive to the next town over to deposit a check. Had lunch and bought a couple tops for my trip. It was on ok day. But..it's Friday. Nothing waiting for me at home but the cat and chores. Have so much to do to get ready to leave on my trip next Friday. but I'm so lost and floundering again/still.
There is a thing in town tomorrow and I was thinking of going but didnt want to take the chance of running in to them there. So I asked him if they were going and he said not this week, they will next Saturday. That means I can go with no worry about that. I just think seeing them together will be the last straw for me. But, it's Friday and the weekend is spread out in front of me and right now it's so long I can't see the end of it.
And I'm lonely. And I want to be held. Need to be held. I've been making a real effort to take my meds everyday...but the depression comes up and just swallows me anyway. Fridays are so hard.
And I keep thinking, WTF, Jackie? You KNOW that no matter how much you still love him and want him, that you have zero interest in doing the kinds of things he is doing and enjoying in his new life. You know you dont like those kinds of things. And she does. Her background, her life, her interests---all of these things are more suited to being with him...than yours ever were. You wouldnt be happy in that kind of life and you would make him unhappy, again. you KNOW this. sigh..
Right now I keep saying..after the trip...after the trip...When I get back from the trip, I need to find a way to rebuild my own life and make some changes. I've never been good at making myself do things I dont want to do...but hey, there is always a first time.
God, I hate Fridays...
There is a thing in town tomorrow and I was thinking of going but didnt want to take the chance of running in to them there. So I asked him if they were going and he said not this week, they will next Saturday. That means I can go with no worry about that. I just think seeing them together will be the last straw for me. But, it's Friday and the weekend is spread out in front of me and right now it's so long I can't see the end of it.
And I'm lonely. And I want to be held. Need to be held. I've been making a real effort to take my meds everyday...but the depression comes up and just swallows me anyway. Fridays are so hard.
And I keep thinking, WTF, Jackie? You KNOW that no matter how much you still love him and want him, that you have zero interest in doing the kinds of things he is doing and enjoying in his new life. You know you dont like those kinds of things. And she does. Her background, her life, her interests---all of these things are more suited to being with him...than yours ever were. You wouldnt be happy in that kind of life and you would make him unhappy, again. you KNOW this. sigh..
Right now I keep saying..after the trip...after the trip...When I get back from the trip, I need to find a way to rebuild my own life and make some changes. I've never been good at making myself do things I dont want to do...but hey, there is always a first time.
God, I hate Fridays...
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