4-18-20 Self care and Work

It's been a long day. My biggest goal for today, or my two biggest goals, were 1. take care of myself and 2. get stuff done. I've been behind on my schoolwork all week, something that causes me a lot of anxiety. For a long time I've seen goal 1 and goal 2 as being at odds with each other, since high school was a hellhole of anxiety and giving up everything for the sake of school. Lately I've begun to see how the ability to be disciplined and productive is also self care in its own right. 

I had a hard time getting things done today. I had very bad anxiety about my studio work in the evening. I tried to take a break from work and sit around and do nothing, thinking it would help prepare, but I ended up breathing hard and heart pound my fast for an hour or more in my bead trying to relax. I couldn't. So in the end I decided I's just try to tackle it. However I didn't end up doing studio work as I realized I have political science stuff due tomorrow which I haven't started, so I spent a while doing that instead, being somewhat faster than I normally am about taking notes and getting through readings. That along with a week's worth of catch up for studio is the agenda for tomorrow. 

It's hard to feel fulfilled. Part of me feels like I'm giving my time and energy to something that doesn't feel fulfilling- or like it gives me anything back. I can see that if I find peace in the process I'll be much happier in handling my future in college. I can't help but associate the process with forcefulness, negativity, and pain. So today I'll try to be proud of what I've done. I've done enough. I am enough. Now I need to to to bed and prepare for tomorrow. I did my best for today and it was hard, but I pushed myself and accomplished more than I felt I could, though less than I thought I would. I did my best.