3rd Christmas
This is my 3rd Christmas since Stan died, and surprisingly, it is different from either of the other two years. The first year I was on autopilot, determined to do a "normal" Christmas and not cave in to the temptation of just withdrawing and dissolving into a month-long grief fest. I put up the tree that year, sent out the cards, got together with my daughter and grandson, and did pretty well except for the meltdown Christmas Eve alone in front of the tree.
The second year I felt very mellow, don't even remember crying very much. Just sort of the enjoyed the holiday, set up my new, smaller tree, watched my favorite Christmas movies, etc.
This year has been still different. I started out slowly, couldn't bring myself to write out cards or do any decorating until I had passed the death anniversary on December 5th. I cut my Christmas card list drastically, which I think would have happened whether Stan was still here or not. I was still sending out cards to people I used to work with 15 years ago, etc. and I decided that if I had not seen them or communicated any other time except at Christmas, that I really didn't need to keep sending cards. I got a nice artificial wreath for the door this year, but I did not feel like putting up the tree for the longest time. Finally put it up on December 15 and then I kept it very simple this year. Instead of putting up the whole nativity set I just selected the holy family and a couple of sheep and set them under the tree, and it worked for me - the minimalist Christmas was this year's theme. I listened to more Christmas music than last year, but got bored with one of the movies I thought I would enjoy and did not even finish it.
I decided that what the churches need is to have a daylight service on Christmas Eve, for those of us who do not have any transportation other than bus. These evening services after dark, even if they are are early, leave us to walk/stand around in the dark alone, when the buses usually run on different schedules and taxis are hard to get. Same story Christmas Day. Why not just have a Christmas Eve service in the middle of the afternoon so we can get out and worship and be home be nightfall.
This year I have thought a lot about Christmases past, from childhood up till now, remembering great childhood Christmases, boring teen year holidays, very busy Christmases when my daughter was growing up when I was totally exhausted by the time the day got here, though I really enjoyed all the preperations those years - buying, wrapping, baking cookies, etc. Then I remembered the holidays being married to Stan and those were all good holidays - some of the best ever. One of my happiest memories is walking to church for the 6:30 pm service with Stan, looking at the Christmas lights and trees in the windows along the way, and then coming home to our own snug apartment with our own tree with gifts under it. We never went in for expensive gifts, but we both put a lot of thought into the gifts.
I have found myself alternating between feeling ok and having periodic unpredictable "grief bursts" this year. I finally realize that each and every Christmas for the rest of my life is going to be tinged with a little sadness because Stan died three weeks before Christmas. I have to expect that sadness, but at the same time, nothing in all the years has taken away my basic vision of the hope that comes with Christmas. Every year I think of the possibilities of world peace, end to poverty and other social ills. I think of what a difference Jesus made in the world, and what a difference we can all make if we take the message of Christmas seriously. I need to keep remembering that. Regardless of of how I celebrate each year, the basic reason for celebrating is still there; it's not about the gifts, the family, the spirit of giving, or whatever else we are told - it's about hope.
The second year I felt very mellow, don't even remember crying very much. Just sort of the enjoyed the holiday, set up my new, smaller tree, watched my favorite Christmas movies, etc.
This year has been still different. I started out slowly, couldn't bring myself to write out cards or do any decorating until I had passed the death anniversary on December 5th. I cut my Christmas card list drastically, which I think would have happened whether Stan was still here or not. I was still sending out cards to people I used to work with 15 years ago, etc. and I decided that if I had not seen them or communicated any other time except at Christmas, that I really didn't need to keep sending cards. I got a nice artificial wreath for the door this year, but I did not feel like putting up the tree for the longest time. Finally put it up on December 15 and then I kept it very simple this year. Instead of putting up the whole nativity set I just selected the holy family and a couple of sheep and set them under the tree, and it worked for me - the minimalist Christmas was this year's theme. I listened to more Christmas music than last year, but got bored with one of the movies I thought I would enjoy and did not even finish it.
I decided that what the churches need is to have a daylight service on Christmas Eve, for those of us who do not have any transportation other than bus. These evening services after dark, even if they are are early, leave us to walk/stand around in the dark alone, when the buses usually run on different schedules and taxis are hard to get. Same story Christmas Day. Why not just have a Christmas Eve service in the middle of the afternoon so we can get out and worship and be home be nightfall.
This year I have thought a lot about Christmases past, from childhood up till now, remembering great childhood Christmases, boring teen year holidays, very busy Christmases when my daughter was growing up when I was totally exhausted by the time the day got here, though I really enjoyed all the preperations those years - buying, wrapping, baking cookies, etc. Then I remembered the holidays being married to Stan and those were all good holidays - some of the best ever. One of my happiest memories is walking to church for the 6:30 pm service with Stan, looking at the Christmas lights and trees in the windows along the way, and then coming home to our own snug apartment with our own tree with gifts under it. We never went in for expensive gifts, but we both put a lot of thought into the gifts.
I have found myself alternating between feeling ok and having periodic unpredictable "grief bursts" this year. I finally realize that each and every Christmas for the rest of my life is going to be tinged with a little sadness because Stan died three weeks before Christmas. I have to expect that sadness, but at the same time, nothing in all the years has taken away my basic vision of the hope that comes with Christmas. Every year I think of the possibilities of world peace, end to poverty and other social ills. I think of what a difference Jesus made in the world, and what a difference we can all make if we take the message of Christmas seriously. I need to keep remembering that. Regardless of of how I celebrate each year, the basic reason for celebrating is still there; it's not about the gifts, the family, the spirit of giving, or whatever else we are told - it's about hope.
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