I don't know what to do. I am scheduled to work the weekend and I don't want to work any of it. Since wednesday ( my monday) I've wanted to call out sick for work but I haven't and each day is getting harder and harder to deal with. Its just so hard to deal with work while I feel the way I do. I'm supposed to smile, be nice, be professional, etc and all I want to do is lay in bed, not shower, cut myself and wallow in my misery. I'm in the fucking pit of depression again and that depresses me. I'm a fucking mess! The problem with calling in sick is I lose money and I'm behind on bills plus I feel guilty for doing it. How fucked up is that? To add insult to injury I agreed to work a double shift on sunday because I was told there was nobody else to cover the shift and I probably would have been forced to work it anyway. That will be 6am to 11pm on sunday and I'm not looking forward to it. I'll be dwelling on that until sunday, I can't help it. I just get worried and anxious and upset and I can't stop myself. I wish I had the guts to call out sick for tomorrow because a day off before such a long shift would help but I probably won't do it and I will suffer because of it. I wish I didn't feel this way.
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Honestly, Pagan, so Many of us have felt that way at one time or another within our illness - just like that, honest - and I don\'t think it\'s limited to those with bipolar disorder....it\'s called a state of \'quiet desperation\' - sometimes right before somebody loses it and quits their job. Or cuts. Or maybe, in extreme cases, flies a plane into the building...get it?
I hate it for you, because I think the Source of our frustrating is complex and deeply buried, but there it Is - we\'re living in a fast-paced world in situations that Demand that we keep up the pace - like, because of money worries especially - but when \'we\' are not At that pace, inside, it becomes mentally, emotionally and physically painful to Try to keep it going.
You need Rest; I hope you can focus on the Moments while you are at work, instead of worrying about \'later\', so you can manage until you get Monday and Tuesday off again...HUGS - we get it. :/
I wish you didn\'t feel this way too, P. Your pain sounds excruciating, and I wish I could take it from you. Is there ANY way you can work part time for a while? I know money is tough....boy do I know it. I just want you to be well, and I know you do too. I\'m praying something really marvelous works out for you soon. xoxo
Pagan, loads of ((((hugs)))) your way. Working those double shifts is not good. I\'m surprised to hear you are doing another one. Can you let them know this is the last time you are able to work a double? Bipolar or not, we are human and can only do things in our limits. I know about money stress, believe me I do! I\'m struggling with work issues too at the moment. You are not alone.
big hugs Pagan..... your pain sounds immense and I also wish I had the right words and ideas to take it away..... I\'m with sensitive on telling them that you are unable to work doubles after this next one... the stress is just too much
I hope something gives soon and works out in your favour... I will keep you in my prayers ((((hugs)))) xx