Last night I had a dream that I was holding a gun to my head and the police were there trying to talk me out of it. I think the cops represented the side of me that wants to live and I represented the side of me thats fed up with feeling like shit all the fucking time and just wants to end it. Who is right and who is wrong in this battle. Do I continue to live just because killing myself is considered wrong? OR do I kill myself because its inhumane to allow a person to live when living is torture? Honestly……I don't feel suicidal but Ive been thinking of ways to kill myself lately. I cut tonight. I had a phone conversation with two of my nephews and one of my brothers. I don't talk to them much at all and talking to them made me both very happy and very sad. The mix of emotions was too much and I felt I had to cut myself. Im fucked.
Replies
Huge hug for you sweetie... You aren\'t fucked!!!!... You have a treatable illness.. You just haven\'t found the right treatment as yet... Please hang on and take my hand... I hope you\'re seeing your doc again soon Pagan
When you get these dark thoughts remind yourself that these are part of the illness and that you will find the right treatment ... Big squishy hug for you...xoxo
I am glad that cops side is there bcs we all want you to live Pagan... I know it\'s torture....but Jan is right... with that right treatment.... keep holding on... I know it\'s easy for us to say.... but I can really relate to what you are saying as I imagine many others can too.... remember you are not alone.... and you are not fucked my friend...just someone in incredible pain... and I know cutting releases that pain.... we all just want to see you feeling well and are hoping for the best with the upcoming ECT
take care and many (((hugs))) x
Hugs Pagan, I think I experienced some happy/sad feelings yesterday out with a non/never depressed friend. It kinda sux. I\'m glad the cop was there, too. No way you\'re a criminal, though. Glad he\'s there for you... xx
Well that good cop side of you is the one you want to listen to! And yes, this is all treatable...you just have to go through some bad times to get to the good treatment. I don\'t know why that is for some people but it\'s an illness and don\'t let it overcome you! I really hope the ECT will help to pull you out of the darkness. Stay strong!