OK, so first of all the ECT screening went well. The doctor feels I will benefit from it and he answered my questions honestly. I am almost positive I will do it, but more on that later. Right now at this very moment I just want to fucking scream, break things, hurt myself…….blow off some steam. I had my family session the other day with my parents and I have so many mixed emotions about it. I say that only because my present mood relates to that meeting. I got home today feeling pretty good about the ECT meeting and theres a message on the answering machine from my father which irritated me. So, I call him and I just let him speak for a min or so and then I couldn't hold it back anymore. I was so fucking pissed off I couldn't think straight. I just let loose with a bunch of shit. Telling him how fucking hard it is to get through each moment of every day…..basically telling him how much I am struggling without sugar coating it. I didn't let him talk, I just went on and on and on….I couldn't shut myself up. At the end I told him about the ECT meeting. Now, with that said, in a way I feel good I talked to him the way I did because he's so fucking stubborn but in a way I feel terrible. My parents are good people and I don't want to hurt them thats one reason why I don't usually tell them how I'm really doing. I feel like I hurt his feelings and I feel so bad now just thinking about that. Naturally my twisted mind starts thinking about how much I suck and deserve to hurt too. I can't fucking win! No matter what happens I can find a way to make myself feel like I deserve to bleed and feel pain for hurting others. Blah, blah, blah fucking blah!!!!
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Even though you feel bad about going off on your dad, maybe this will start to give him a hint of how you\'re really feeling? I can relate to what you\'re saying about not wanting to tell your parents because you don\'t want to hurt them. I\'ve felt like that too, but I\'ve also realized that there\'s a difference between being a burden and having a mental illness. An example of a burden would be if you had kids and had your parents raise them. Having a mental illness is something out of your control, it\'s not your fault. The more you open up to your parents, the more they can help you. Hopefully since you told your dad about all your personal stuff, maybe it\'ll open up that door of communication between you guys now.
As far as wanting to be destructive right now, you don\'t deserve any of the hurt and pain that your mind keeps telling you. That\'s just the depression talking and lying to you. What\'s something that you can do to let off some steam? Something safe.
I\'m glad that your appointment for your ECT went well.
well first, I\'m really glad the ECT consultation went well. That\'s great!
Second, the whole situation is really complicated between you and your parents. It sounds like you don\'t want to burden them with your feelings. In the vm was your father trying to be supportive? I don\'t know anything about your folks, but the fact that they went to the family meeting says something. I don\'t want to do too much guessing here, but I know it\'s hard when they kinda want to help or be involved but either don\'t know how, or have their own ideas. And for the suffering person, it\'s new to talk about this stuff, and it doesn\'t feel safe, and it\'s so easy to get frustrated when people seem to be not listening or not getting it. There are so many factors that make this communication.....precarious? You know? Sometimes it\'s surprisingly easy, and other times impossible. I hope I\'m making sense...
Anyway, what I\'m trying to build up to is that these kinds of interactions are normal. Of course you feel both relieved and guilty, well, it at least makes sense to me. What you need to use now are your DBT skills to keep yourself safe and deal with your anger & frustration.
Stay safe, friend.
I\'m glad your consult went well. I wonder what about your dad\'s message you found irritating. I never told my parents that about my mental health issues. Put on a relatively happy face. As sadie wrote above, it can get complicated (if that\'s a reasonable paraphrase). But, yeah, it sounds like you\'re parents want to be involved. maybe when your temper has cooled a bit, you both could speak a little further.... xx hugs
Big hug for you sweetie.... There are people on here who have benefited a great deal from ECT and I\'ve seen people when I worked who it worked very well for
Re your dad... It\'s good you let him know how you feel... If you think you hurt him you can simply say I\'m sorry if I hurt you in anyway I just needed to get that out...
I adored my folks however they never did get mental illness in any real way... I think that they just wanted it to go away... So when I tried to educate them or discuss things about bipolar I would end up feeling bad and frustrated... I stopped discussing it and chose instead to talk about mental health issues with people that I knew would be supportive... They just didn\'t understand it... They were from a different time and had no contact with it although I know my Grandma suffered from severe depression as well my Father along with PTSD... They pretended it didn\'t exist
If you think that you can\'t get through Pagan you might be able to stick with Therapy, hotlines, DS and friends who do understand it more just for both of your peace of mind
Big squishy hug for you...xo
I hope the ECT, if you do go forward with it, helps. I\'ve heard it\'s been a great solution for some.
The relationship with parents is so tough with all this. I know my own journey with my parents has been so strained, and while they finally came to visit me during one hospitalization and went to a few appointments over the years, I still don\'t think they \'get it.\' I turn outside of my family for support. It\'s just become the way it is. I wish you growth with these difficult things...so hard, I know. Hang in there. And for what it\'s worth, I think it\'s good to let stuff out, even if we feel it might hurt people. Bottling up is a worse thing, in my experiences...((hugs))