just sitting here listening to some music feeling sorry for myself and trying to keep it together. Trying to keep it together is becoming a full time job these days. Looking around the messy house I live in feeling overwhelmed at how much cleaning needs to get done. I look at the stack of bills that haven't gotten paid yet which is funny because I have the money Im just too fucking lazy to spend a few minutes online to pay them. Am I trying to set myself up for disaster or is it just second nature for me. Last night I start feeling irritation, aggression and violent….this morning I feel sad, gloomy, and indifferent. I can't win. I know Ive said this before but Im so sick of listening to myself complain but I don't know what else to do. I feel how I feel and talking about it or writing about it helps me get it out of me which I think is a good thing. I can't help but be fearful my friends will eventually throw up their hands in desperation and give me up as a lost cause. Do I really feel this way? No, but those are just some of the thoughts that cross my mind in times like this. I guess I have a fear of abandonment. I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 today and I don't know what Im going to tell her when she asks how Im doing. I think I may just break down. I feel a huge amount of gratitude for all those wonderful people here on DS that have helped me, supported me and haven't given up on me yet. I hope to be able to return their kindness someday. Where am I going with this journal entry? I don't know. Just babbling I guess.
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(((bug hugs))) for you, Pagan. I can relate to so much of this... not great to hear, I know, but you\'re not alone. I hope that something can help you to feel better, and safer soon!!! Try to be a little more kind to yourself hon, not easy, I know :\\ but something that might help quite a bit.
Sadie, Its comforting to know Im not alone. I wish we were both boing better of coarse. I know what could make me feel better but its not safe and its only temporary so I don\'t want to go there. Being more kind to myself is so hard for me to do but I will try. Thanks for the kind words.
no-one is giving up on you Pagan..... and you\'re not allowed to give up on yourself either.. it does sound hellish tho and I\'m really sorry about that (((hugs))).... I\'m glad journalling about it helps and I hope today\'s therapy session is fruitful too.. even if just for the tiniest relief.... and for that to stay with you and begin to grow..as Sadie says... be a little kinder to yourself.... I really think our external environment reflects/affects our internal one.... so it\'s not a surprise it\'s a little messy to say the least... if you can maybe make a little attempt at tidying it a little? and I mean a little .. just so you feel a little more in control? as we\'ve talked about I think avoiding it makes us feel worse.. but I totally understand if it feels like too much.. and in some ways it\'snot the most important thing in the world if you are feeling incredibly as bad as you are
take care my friend and we are here for you as much as you need us to be x
Thanks for making it clear Im not allowed to give up on myself Ruby. Its really hard not to these days though. I actually got the dishes done earlier and that felt good. One thing at a time I suppose, baby steps. Thanks for the support.