still here
Well, Im still here…I managed to get through last night without self harming or offing myself. Don't really know how I did that. After writing my last journal entry I remember looking at the suicide prevention hotline number for what felt like an hour before putting it down. I hate it when I cry, I think it may be some manly thing I don't know but I hate to allow myself to cry but last night I cried like a baby then fell asleep. Unfortunately couldn't sleep for very long but it seems like it was just enough to get me out of harms way for a little while. The problem is that the pain is still there, the frustration, anger, sadness….its all still there. I feel like I may have dodged a bullet last night but when will it get that bad again? and will I make it next time?
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I\'m so glad that you were able to get some sleep last night to keep you out of harms way, Pagan. And I can understand hating to cry. I\'m the same way, I hate to cry and don\'t allow myself to most of the time..... Which just makes me feel worse, or sometimes I literally can\'t cry and it takes a lot of effort to make myself cry. You have the strength to get out of this rut, I know you do. ((Hugs))
I try so hard to hold back the tears sometimes I give myself a headache but sometimes I can\'t hold it in anymore and thats probably a good thing. Thanks for your confidence that I have the strength to get through this even when I don\'t feel I do. Hearing that helps.
It is a good thing to finally let yourself cry, crying is very cathartic. You\'re welcome, Pagan :) you do the have the stength. I know at times it feels like we don\'t, but we wouldn\'t have made it this far if we didn\'t have the strength, right? Sunny has told me this lots of times on my journal \"sometimes it\'s ok if we do is breath\"..... I know that\'s not the exact wording, but close to it lol. I\'m glad it helps :)
I feel like I\'m in a similar boat. Lat night\'s crisis has passed, but with a new day comes the same old shit right now. Another fight to do what we know is right. Good luck to you, friend. you know where to find me if you need to.
For such a young woman Sunny has some sage advice. I too like what she has said about \"sometimes all we can do is just breath\" or something like that. I have also learned when we don\'t have a lot of strength in ourselves its ok to lean on our support team and get strength from their support. Sadie, we are fighting this fight together. Good luck to you as well my friend.
Oh Pagan... I can so feel your pain ... last Friday I don\'t know how I didn\'t top myself either.... but like you... we didn\'t... there must be an inner part of us that wants to live... we don\'t want to die.... we want the pain to stop and we think that\'s the only way to do it
I read your post and your shrink is talking of ECT? I admit I know very little about it apart from the memory issues .. research as much as you can and educate yourself before you make a decision..... did he make any tweaks to your meds? give you any prn to help with the sudden attacks of the rage?
keep reaching out to us as much as you can... and keep holding on... crying sounds like it was cathartic for you last night.... please don\'t get caught up in the macho BS that men don\'t cry..... bcs real men do cry.. it means they actually feel and don\'t displace it on someone else
I wish I knew how to help Pagan.... you are stronger than you feel... as joneszy said you wouldn\'t be here if you didn\'t.... hold on to that thought as much as you can
we are all here with ears and shoulders.... remember that we want to help so please don\'t be afraid or ashamed to reach out to us if you need to ok?
xx
Ruby, your words are thoughtful, meaningful and make so much sense. Im glad you didn\'t off yourself as well. You too are stronger than you think. Thanks for being there for me.