I think everythings calmed down a bit since my last entry. Obviously because of what happened it will take a very long time for the trust to build up with my brother now, that goes mainly for my dad and him. I still can't believe it happened, none of us can, but for the time being - we don't speak about it, at least not to my brother anyways. Just don't want to set him off again. He's more of a person to run away from whatevers bothering him rather than to sit and talk about it! As hard as it might seem at the time, its always better in the long run to just talk about things. Guess sometimes I don't do it either. Human nature in a way. But I'm sure things will be ok. Thank God. That scared the hell outa me. So anyway, I can't believe its almost the last day of 2008! What a year... hasn't been much better than last year. I lost my grampa this year, lost Kenny last year, what next. It's so strange without either of them. At Christmas my grandparents normally come to ours for dinner but was only my gran this year, mum was working, gran didn't even stay long at all :( she misses him so much. And for new year we always go to theirs, so it'll be strange, again. It's just weird I haven't really been to his grave, I've been like once. But I just can't seem to go back. I didn't even go on xmas day, or to Kennys. I lay a holy wreathe down for Kenny. My gran had put one down for my grampa so that was nice. I didn't go :( I dunno, I don't know what I feel now about the whole death stuff. Feel like I've become numb to it, to the grief of losing both of them and I just feel like losing Kenny has worn any other emotions I had out, like they are just gone and I can't greive :S Maybe next year will be better.