Was at the hosp tonight. Nout much changed. Except that they have decided to stop the treatment, now he is only on oxygen to help him breathe and morphine to take the pain away from his legs. I feel so awful seeing him lying there like that. I try to be strong on the outside but deep down I feel like breaking down. I can't. I have to stay strong for those around me and for my grandad, he knows we are there, I don't want to break down infront of him. I am so terrified of what could happen tonight. I know he is dying. If it wasn't for the damn infection in his legs that is uncurable, he could possibly have 6 months to a year, maybe even longer left! But the infection is spreading. HE couldn't survive the operation to amputate =/ couldn't even let him go through with that. winding up in hospital was his worst nightmare. I just wish he could come home. I prayed every night since Friday that he'd have just a few more days left, maybe I am being greedy or selfish. All I want is for him not to be in pain and I know he is slowly passing I just wish he could come home and pass away there :( he hates hospitals.  It breaks my heart to see him like that. It feels awful. I can't even explain it. I just have this really sicky feeling within and I want to cry but I don't at the same time, I just want to be strong. I am trying so hard to be strong. I don't want him to go but it is giong to happen. And it is just round the corner. I can feel it, I am terrified for tonight. It feels like it really is coming to an end. I don't want him to suffer, but what about when he is gone :( yes, he'll be at peace but how the hell is my mum and gran going to cope :( I feel so helpless that I can't do anything for them :(  When we went down to grans for dinner tonight, it didn't feel right at all. Normally we only go there for special occasions like a birthday or xmas or new year etc. It felt so strange without my grandad being there. I know there is much more shit to come like that. But it felt awful. He was supposed to be there with us. It just wasn't right. It was very nice of my gran to ask us all round for dinner, but I'm sure she agrees. It was just so strange without him. I asked her if there was any new and how my grandad was, she almost broke down, she started to cry a bit when she said they have stopped the treatment. I felt sooo sick, my stomach was in knots, I couldn't even say or do anything, I just froze =/ dad told her to sit down and he'd finish cooking the dinner, but she didn't, instead she wiped away the tears and began to joke about something he'd said earlier on about wanting a cup of tea.  It's really going to get much worse than this :( I'm so scared