Well it has been a week and I started feeling really low again last night =/ Went out last night to the pub just for a few drinks. Only had 2 smirn off ice. Much less than I usually have. Just stuck to the light stuff. Don't know if it was the drink or the atmosphere in the end up, but we waited ages and ages in the pissing rain, freezing cold, on a stupid taxi that we had to phone twice just like we had to phone twice on the way out to the pub aswell. Shitty public transport! So I don't really know what brought the feeling of shittyness back but it was back. I went through the full week of feeling okay, actually. I think trying to push the thoughts away to the back of my mind and keeping busy helps. Maybe not the best thing to do - pushing them away, but it helps. I just keep thinking all the negative thoughts, the what ifs and the like. But it just makes me seriously depressed and want to do crazy shit. I guess I just felt really quite lonely last night. I was out with my best mates but the place was just really dull, it was the Weatherspoons so no music which sucked aswell. It was alright to get out for a bit but just found it kinda boring in the end. It's not their fault, I'm just not that sociable =/ especially feeling the way I feel. Sometimes just can't seem to have a good night out without having shitty thoughts now and then at some point during the night. I don't know if I am truly depressed, or if it's something else, like just intense sadness and grief, still finding a way to cope, I really don't know. I don't want to think of myself as being actually depressed. I don't want to seem like I'm attention seeking either. Which is why I hate talking to my close friends about it. And in fact there is only one other person who knows exactly how I feel and even at that I hate talking about it. But its almost been a year and I still feel this way. If I was depressed I wouldn't want to do anything. I wouldn't want to go my wee jogs, I would definately not go back to my work during the week. I'm fed up of it as it is, I just wouldn't want to do anything at all. Going out is sometimes something I cant be arsed with either right now. Just would rather sit in and play my playstation or wii or listen to music.  Got work today at 4 so prolly just go play Zelda for a bit then get ready to leave. Its 12.20pm and I'm still in my jammies, but its Sunday so, yeah tis allowed.