What a strange day it has been today! First I went and done a wee bit more shopping, kind of last minute stuff, thats everything sorted, thank god. Went up to the graveyard with a wee holly reef. That was the very first time I'd ever gone up myself. I have always taken someone else up with me. I felt so shakey and was scared incase any of his family or friends were around, soo many times I thought of just turning back and going back some other time. But I'm glad I went. It's also the quickest I've ever stayed for. I wanted to stay longer I really did, I liked being there by myself, but I was just too scared that someone else would show up, seen as its Christmas Eve. It's also the first time I've been up since the funeral that I actually felt really quite upset. Every other time I've went up with Lozy and we've spoke about all the good times and I've never really had the chance to think about the negative too deeply. Just really fuckin miss him man. Wish there was something I could do to take back the time. Wish I could have changed things and made things happen, for the better. Why did it have to come to this :( it's just so sad. Such a young life gone to waste. I should be happy and cheerful since its Christmas Eve, but I just feel quite dull =/ Wish I had stayed longer at the grave, its the least I could have done. It's not the best place to be, but knowing that he is there I guess, that makes me feel slightly better.