journal

The last month has been a really bad patch. My life is very difficult right now but I deal with it normally. These past weeks I dropped the ball, stopped caring and stopped trying. It was so rough. I was leaning on a couple of  online friends (not in here) and they on me, one in particular who was going through a divorce. Sometimes someone leans a lot but when you lean back too much they just stop listening and go away. I have a hard time with silence.
And I knew better, I even said at one point, is this too much sharing, and they were like no no trust me, we're friends, it's ok, you should talk it out. Now they barely speak, barely listen. It wasn't just them they were only someone I knew briefly online but you know how sometimes one thing is the catalyst and then others follow, like dominoes. I couldn't let go of the depression, it stuck so hard, I couldn't speak to anyone, pulled back from all. It scared me. I wanted to die. But I promised long ago I wouldn't take my life no matter what. I felt trapped by this promise.
God gave me some peace through my own child, interestingly. I've learned long ago not to lean too hard on your children, they need us to lean on. But I knew my son was worried about me and I was honest with him about what I was going through so he wouldn't think it was his fault.
One day I picked up my Bible and started reading with him like we used to do, improptu, decided to read it every day together and start studying the history of the old testament and it brought about a little change in him, which turned into big change with he and his friends, especially one that in the past was, via a 3rd friend, trying to get him into drugs. Instead, he told them about Jesus and God's love and how he could gain strength that way and let go of the drugs. It's been an amazing transformation of this boy, both mine, and his friend. I am so thankful.
Anyone that asks I just say look, I could not fix this through human determination. It wouldn't have been possible. There is just too much messed up in my life and I was giving up. This came from God himself, I need him and I know that if there were any doubts before, like some who think it is a crutch, I no longer have any doubts because I know that He is the one that unsnarled this. I am still in a poor marriage, still unemployed, still with some health problems not all solved yet , but I have peace. This is how I know it is real and true.
I had to pull away from a few unhealthy activities online first before anything would change. I see that now.