tom is so sick today. cannot stop him from vomiting. he is a rack of bones and each heaving episode takes energy he doesnt have  and he shudders weakly all over from the effort afterwards. he hasnt eaten in almost 4 weeks now, drunk a little ensure every couple days but  almost nothing. his suffering is too much for me today especially. too much for him. he says he wants to end it now, do i have a way. no i dont i say. and even if i did i dont think i can let go yet. i cannot stop crying today, i just feel this bottomless well of tears and grief, that goes as high as deep, endless...there is no life after...none that i can see. i want to go with him when he goes. i have nothing. nothing to live for. just the future of more emotional problems than ever due to dealing with this grief and loss which re activates all my deepest key issues. the tears just keep coming..i have no one to turn to....just cant do this anymore..