increasingly hard to see  toms cancer, but not seeing it isnt any better because i know how fast it changes...it is astonishing how fast it grows. it seems like a parasite with a mind, consuming him.  how will i ever get these images out of my head? i have been thinking more about killing myself trhe last couple days. that we could both go together. i know he truly wants me to have a life, and find a great partner, after him, but i dont know if i can. there just seems so little in the way of options for me. if i didnt have the handicaps emotionally it would be very different. but i am severely limited by them. i know there is no way to predict lifes twists and turns, and that things could possibly turn out even better for me than ever before, if i get healthier. but getting healthier seems unlikely for a long time after his death. he asked about methods to kill himself this eve. i asked if he wants to go or if its just that the pain is too much and if pain could be controlled that he wouldnt want to do it. that was it. the pain. so i managed by my medical resourcefulness to stop it even tho the morphine wasnt working. but there will come a time when i cant.