i got over feeling sorry for myself about thanksgiving, feeling so sad remembering how tom has enjoyed the food especially in the past and how he has stopped eating except for a rare drink of ensure every few days...but i still find i am feeling bad because i'm full of thoughts about my future and how limited i am in so many ways functionally. these are ways that no one sees.. but i will be up against when tom is gone. i am so narrow, like a spotlight that only illuminates a small area, i function exceptionally well in a narrow field, but life demands much more to survive by myself or to meet a new partner or friend.  one of my defenses or coping mechanisms has been to not go anywhere, not be around people, just talk on the phone or better yet, just by email, and most of all not work for anyone (that is disasterous!)...i think about how i need to have income and what has happened each time i get a job, how i end up suicidal, crying all the time, overcome with grief, or in a dissociated state that lasts for months..just because the employer got dominating, authoritarian, hostile or snappy with me, even if i know it isnt about my fault, anything i've done wrong...it actually is much better if i know i have done something wrong and ":deserve" it! i feel like such a failure..so many years of therapy and not over this problem...tom has enabled me, in the good sense of the word which we never hear anymore...he has enabled me to be  seen as normal, to be relate and be amongst "normals".  it isnt the best word to use because it implies something wrong with me,  i guess i should say, normals: people who live and focus on the things that the majority of people in this society do, see and think about..and i do not notice the difference between me and them so much...my previous relationship i guess did the same thing for me to some degree also.  i think i may be headed for my dreaded existential thinking again..where i seem to be out in space watching the entire emergence and eventual extinction of the human race and then even the earth itself...total meaninglessness.