every day, sometimes every hour brings change. toms cancer grows so fast, i never know how he will feel, or what i will see when i remove the bandages to clean it. i thought i was getting more inured to its appearance but today when i cleaned it something unexpected happened and caused me to recoil internally yet again. he does not know how i feel. it is the first time i have actually hidden something from him so it seems strange, but does not feel like artifice  because i just focus immediately on how much i love him and the revulsion disappears, replaced with aching compassion...