36 days strong..

Today marks thirty six days sober. It's been quite the ride. 

The time has honestly flown by. A lot has happened and changed in such a short amount of time. Not only do I have an amazing team of professionals, (therapist, substance abuse counselor, psychiatrist and nurse) but I have an amazing support system that consists of family, friends and people at AA. In addition, I have DailyStrength that I can come to vent or ask specific questions. I just feel very grateful for everything that I have in my life. It’s crazy because I feel like I would have had this support if I would have come clean about my problems long ago. Still, I believe that everything happens for a reason; therefore I hold no regret in that sense. I attend AA every Mon, Tues & Fri. Tuesdays are my favorite because it is all women and there is a deeper conversation. Tomorrow I am going to read a letter I wrote in front of the group. I am excited but nervous. Recently I reached out to my former best friend and came clean about the sexual abuse at the hands of her uncle. I knew that I needed to write that letter, but I was terrified that she would hate me. Surprisingly enough, she took it better than expected. She was very sad about what happened and wished that I told her. She said that she would have still been my friend and would have been there for me. I was very happy that she still wanted me in her life. A weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Afterwards, we talked about me visiting in December which I am very excited about. It feels like we are kids again. I feel like we are finally able to start off with a clean slate. I really hurt her with my drinking and that is something I want to talk to her about face to face. She was my best friend, more like family, and I think we deserve to start over as adults.

It’s been quite the ride this past month. I feel like I am finally starting to deal with my problems in a healthier way. I got everything ready to go back to school next semester. Tomorrow I sign up for classes, and if I get lucky, I will have an amazing schedule. I will have enough time to work out, go to therapy AND my meetings. Recently I met a guy that I really liked. It is hard for me to connect to men on a deep level so when I met him, I was very surprised that we clicked so quickly. I met him and thought everything was amazing, and then he stopped talking to me. He blocked me and everything. I took the rejection terribly, but rather than spiral and do something stupid, I took a step back and looked at the bigger picture. He is a big drinker and I am an alcoholic. He’s not going to just change his life because of me and I would never ask him to do that. He chose to ignore me and that is fine. The right guy, the guy who is meant for me will be in my life when the time is right. My main concern is staying sober and taking care of my mental health. Relationships will come when it is meant to be. When something like this happens I automatically think I am the problem. I lose confidence in myself and I allow myself to spiral. It does nothing but make recovery harder. I refuse to allow myself to fall back into old habits. Last time I got rejected, I lost control. I fought with everyone, was on the verge of relapse and self harmed. I took the end of a nail, held a flame over it and once it was hot enough I pressed it to my thigh. I burned myself so bad I barely felt it. Instantly I felt release. I no longer felt that pain in my stomach/chest and I didn’t want to drink. I felt ashamed and wished I hadn’t done that. I instantly realized it was a mistake. Unfortunately my burn is affected and looks terrible. I’m taking good care of it, but it will leave a nasty scar. I think about my future, and what I will tell my significant other when he sees my scars. I want to be a teacher. I am going to be an important role model to little kids. I don’t want to self harm and drink myself into a hole all while trying to build a career. That just doesn’t make sense. Luckily I get the chance to fix my life and get back on track before I start to teach. I owe it to those kids to be the best person and teacher I can be. That means no drinking, no self destruction and no self harm.

My therapists are extremely proud of me. She told me today that she speaks to my SA counselor and they are very happy about my progress in a short amount of time. She told me that it is not very often that they get a patient that does everything that they need to do in order to recover. She says that everything I have already done typically takes months with other patients, and that makes me really happy. The thing about me is that when I put my mind to something I can pretty much do anything. I am very strong willed and motivated when I want to be. I get that from my dad. I just want to live the best life I could live. I know exactly the kind of life I want, I just need to work all the steps and do what I need to in order to get that life. I want to have a great career, I want to meet a great guy and settle down. I want to have children and adopt. I want all these things and if I don’t change my way of life I will never get that life. I spent the last seventeen years digging myself a hole. Sure, there are a lot of things I couldn’t control and that is really sad, but it isn’t the end of my life. My 30^th birthday is in a few months, and I truly believe that by the time that day comes; I will have accomplished a lot. I am excited about the future, and honestly I feel confident that things will start changing soon. I mean, they already have in a month! I was worried about the “pink cloud syndrome”. I was on this high for so long, so when things started going bad, I didn’t know how to handle. I didn’t want to backtrack, so I took a step back and really thought about everything. I know that there are going to be bad days and not everything is going to be peaches and cream. What is important is how I handle those bad days. I don’t want to use them as an excuse to drink or behave in a negative way. I owe it to myself and the people around me to stay on track and beat this thing. I feel happy, confident, motivated and strong. I hope to one day share my experiences with newcomers and eventually become a sponsor. I want to help people and let them know that sobriety is possible and we can live a happy life without alcohol. I’ve been picking up healthier habits little by little. I honestly believe that this time next year my life will change completely. I can’t wait for that day and look forward to working my butt off to get there.