so much time has went by ,maybe i made a mistake pulling away and not writing  my feelings but  too it got  like  whats the use , ,sometimes my world gets  so dark that i see no end ,the pain is so  real inside its like a silent scream within with no way out ,not a real pain but a hurting pain from just too much .seemed liked it helped when i wrote my hurt  in here tho it scares  me to voice it on paper even ,but when i was doing it on a regular grip i wasnt  hurting as bad ,mabe i best force myself to do this until it becomes easier again as i need something in my life .my szs .are still under control to my shock ,tho i cry o god i cry all the time ,i try to get a grip and the next thing i know  rears will be  rolling down  my face and my husband  says  dont  cry ,or he  gets peeved and we argue and i cant help it ,how i hate these vile  tears ,how i hate this e ,it is not acceptable ,it needs to go away and let me be happy ,                                                               my boys are another major issue that are truly my  down fall ,the oldest is  with a 21 year old  who the best i can say for her is my son  loves her .            i have seen her  hurt him  many times in the past ,his  dad and i have had to go to his rescue ,she is now back in his life to repeat  this  cycle and has made no bones  that she  does not  like me either -therfore i do not see not see my son very often only when  they need  something ,they used my washer -dryer  2 weeks ago ,left 1 load in dryer ,neither working ,using my car -i caught  a ride to and from work so they could ,and my husband finished drying their clothes ,i folded them as we talked so they wouldnt wrinkle ,she had our son call why did i put  nail polish on her  clothes .?none on  my sons .first i am not that  kind of person .i dont have the time ,you are my sons girlfriend ,i sure am not going to mess my washer and dryer up .then  they call sunday eanting to use it again i tell my son  he can  but not her he,of corse this  does not go over well and again i am told to see her  side of it ----no no no -i am your mother !!!!i start crying she has not even said she was  sorry for this incident .my husband  goes over there to take him to pay his rent and talks to her she  calls me says i am sorry i hang up -i do not accept this  appolgy i know its only  because all the laundry is dirty they  just said if i didnt do it maybe  justin did (his brother )this also is a slap in the  face  my  youngest wasnt  even  here .george comes  home mad at me as i had told him  it would be over if she said she was sorry ---i didnt mean  right when  she needed something or when they acused another ,so i miss my son this is the one i  was  so close to  but i cant  deal with  things  that are  happening  ,they need to get them a car ,i need mine ,i do not care for her therefore i do not  really want her around me  no more than  she wants to be around me and  of corse my sons place is with  his mate but i think he is a fool for not having a backbone and  saying  i will see my faimly as this was  the way we  were raised .                                                                    then the the  youngest his wife lost  her job due to a misunderstanding at walmart ,but she  has moved on ,he  has not  let it go ,again he called me yesterday he was out there in the back  upset ,i said  justin i can not  keep on ,i went where he was i told him he needed to leave go home that he was  a custermer and had no right back there no more ,he told me  go back to work i went to the restroom to get a grip he called me  i was crying and it was a mess ,it ended with me crying in front of a couple of employees which i never do ,being  called in the office as i had went on  break  and  got a coffee when he was  asked  to leave the store .they said  faimly issues had to be handled out of the store ,at first i was peeved  but it had  become a faimly issue -tho as i told them i had no ideal he was here until he  called and told me he was in the  back .i talked to my husband both my boys  have got  to back off  and leave me be i think be it a week a moth  2 months ,i dont know  o god i am so sorry i have  never heard of a parent needing a "divorce "from their grown  children i  feel so ugly inside  for this one too but i told my husband i feel me slipping away i am scared i want to get in the car and drive i was thinking of it  last night ,how to move on ,start over -not  to be found i know it would be hard  needing  e meds ,i thought i have enough for a mounth others have done it ,maybe as ugly as i feel i am i will  just go with  the boys must  give me a break ,i can not function ,,,,,,,,,,