dear friends ,,,,                                                                                                                        i                      i am writing this   , i need to  get it out of my system ,my husband and i got into i a major  fuss last night o lord  did we agrue ,first i think  he was  still a little peeved at me  because  i had had another bad  sz .sun.mon. morrn .and and when i came to he was on  call with the dr .on  call.               he said  for me to increase  my new pills by  half  a pill .well after  fully  waking up i did not agree to this  with out  my dr.approval as i had  just went  up on these pills to a whole pill and  from the beginning  we were told they  are slow to build  up ,but  they are truly  working  but this  break thru  szs. hubby felt i was not doing every thing i can to prevent these and i say o please i take 5 pills morn and (only 3 are e drugs )and 3 e drugs at night ,i have to eat crackers with them and choke them down ,he says i took  many pills in the army when i had t.b. well i cant .i cant do it i am not that strong .anyway last night we needed to get our bills right ,we are behind and it has to be done ,i need to know where we are  now that i am  functioning . i am trying to total up some bills that have been  paid on  for several  months and  see how much we still owe -if any as he has not kept good records ,well i am not as fast or as smart  right now as i use to ,maybe later ,maybe it will never  come  back to  me ,i know i am  having  problems  i cant help it ,i am trying ,i here it he gets this tone  and i want to say "yes daddy"its more than trying to protect me -so i tell him honey i am getting there -you want to do it  so do it  cause he gets  that voice and says  "look here  this is the way  i did it  dont  do it that way "i get mad and tell him  you are not god it does  not have  to always be your way . we fuss -yell he jumps up i jump up he says i cant help  if i am  SMARTER than you ,o he could never hurt  me more ,the one thing i am  scared of is afraid of being ugly  vile stupid inside and he sees me as stupid !!!!! my heart is broke ....the second thing is throw one of my books -and he throwed a book -a book is a ttreasure ......and this is a man  who today thinks  all is fine between  us and i should not  feel the pain i do  for  him  saying he is smarter  !!!!!!!!!words hurt and he is no child he knows they have  a way of staying on and causing pain .so i need a sad yellow  guy