I feel sober today. It took a whole lot of alcohol last night to sober me up for this morning. I couldn't cry enough tears in this lifetime for the remorse I feel over the way I have treated my mother, especially yesterday. She deserves nothing but love and I am her eldest child - her only daughter. I cannot imagine the pain I cause her on a daily basis. I am so sorry. And I am so ashamed. And I don't know how I can look her in the eyes today or make some empty promise I don't know whether I will be able to keep or not. I have been a monster... It needs to stop, somehow. I need to sober up from my anger; I need to learn how to love. I need to take personal responsibility.
When I woke up this morning, I thought I was dead. I didn't feel extremely angry, indescribably empty and sad or "with so much love in my heart." My inner self wasn't asserting I should jump out the window. I just felt normal, or better yet, SOBER. And it was such an unexpected feeling inside that I briefly contemplated whether the caffeine, alcohol and tylenol pills from last night had actually killed me and I had been liberated from my body. It still feels unreal. I wonder whether dead people can see their bodies when they are dead. I got up and looked over my bed, expecting to see it. But there was just one of me.
I should pray to God, to the better parts of me, and hope that if I work really hard I can stay this way forever. There is no challenge I cannot face with this attitude. No single decision that will kill me.