I guess the fact that I have reasoned with myself to stay alive in the last several weeks makes me realize that I am against suicide. And I am proud of myself for that, and I think it's a good thing. Despite what I think and how I feel, I know there's good to be felt and such.
I should feel hopeful after this meeting, but I don't at all. 
I am against suicide, but I would love to spend a year in a casket buried in a cemetery. I know how to play dead; I feel my best when I'm laying motionless. I need that now. I need to lay motionless.