I think I'm pretending to be sick, I honestly do. I think I could wake up tomorrow morning and be completely all right and never look back and never know what happened or what I thought before. I was thinking about the person I would be if I were just born today. If I suddenly had no past and no future mapped out, no maps thrown out. 
I'd be awesome.
I think thinking about death and suicide gives me a jolt to live sometimes. I admit that sometimes it's different... but just tonight, I kept looking at the tracks and feeling so excited. When the train pulled in, I tried to imagine what it would feel like to be crushed beneath the tonnes of metal and it felt so exciting. It definitely distracted me from my grief...
I've become enchanted with ECT. People forget things... I want to forget everything. There's things from periods of my life that I would like to keep. Blissful times in my childhood where I was insulated with far too much love and friendship and company to feel more than a moment's darkness before letting love flood away everyone's faults. 
I'm more than willing to let it all go if it means being free of this. 
I feel like strangling my mother.