My brain won't stop working. I woke up shouting for my mother. It's 4 a.m. and I went to bed at 2 a.m. I'm having slightly psychotic thoughts. Thinking what if I am a devil and people stop breathing when I'm around them and die... I worry I might have slits for pupils. It's a struggle in my brain.
I am at a point where I frankly don't know whether these types of thoughts are dangerous to me or others. I don't know whether they are indicative of something preventable? Maybe I am just too stressed.
A couple of weeks ago I painted the part of the walls in my room in rainbow colours with water colour paints. I had had an argument with mom and she just didn't understand; it was like I was muted and she just could not comprehend. I suddenly "realized" everybody including me was a robot and that in order to break my program I had to do certain things (like paint everything in my room in bright colours and tie dye my bed sheets in rainbow colours etc.) I was afraid to go get water when I got thirsty because I was afraid my mother would know I had "broken" my program and she would turn against me and try to kill me, or actually kill me. I also believed there were agents coming after me because they (I don't know who...) kept tabs on people who had broken their program - yes, it's some Matrix/The Island shit.
Then I felt extremely tired and went to bed. I woke up fine the next day... I woke up with a mental struggle, like now; I was no longer experiencing a full on delusion. I've also been "meditating" on growing my legs tonight, and I fully believe/believed they would grow...? I I don't think this is a delusion though, to be honest. Maybe a bit of magical thinking. I have grown one full inch in the last two years, so I know it's technically POSSIBLE to grow.
I am at a point where I frankly don't know whether these types of thoughts are dangerous to me or others. I don't know whether they are indicative of something preventable? Maybe I am just too stressed.
A couple of weeks ago I painted the part of the walls in my room in rainbow colours with water colour paints. I had had an argument with mom and she just didn't understand; it was like I was muted and she just could not comprehend. I suddenly "realized" everybody including me was a robot and that in order to break my program I had to do certain things (like paint everything in my room in bright colours and tie dye my bed sheets in rainbow colours etc.) I was afraid to go get water when I got thirsty because I was afraid my mother would know I had "broken" my program and she would turn against me and try to kill me, or actually kill me. I also believed there were agents coming after me because they (I don't know who...) kept tabs on people who had broken their program - yes, it's some Matrix/The Island shit.
Then I felt extremely tired and went to bed. I woke up fine the next day... I woke up with a mental struggle, like now; I was no longer experiencing a full on delusion. I've also been "meditating" on growing my legs tonight, and I fully believe/believed they would grow...? I I don't think this is a delusion though, to be honest. Maybe a bit of magical thinking. I have grown one full inch in the last two years, so I know it's technically POSSIBLE to grow.
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