So mad at myself.  Completely lost it today.  Told F I was going to file for separation.  
"Why?"
 "Because you're the worst person I've ever known and I don't want anything to do with you right now."
 "But we've made an agreement- 50/50 custody."  
"It'll be whatever custody the court sees fit."
He leaves.  I begin to see how childish I was being.  So I call him up.  Voicemail.  All I ever get anymore is the voicemail.  And there I go.  I become that childish bitch all over again.
"I was just calling to tell you that what I said was out of anger.  I wouldn't take the kids away from you.  But I still want you to go f*%# yourself."
Why can't I just get a grip?  This is not the person I want to be.  I want to be strong, resilient.  Want him to think this isn't fazing me a bit.