34 months - Venting

It is 34 months today since I lost Stan, and I feel more pain than I did months ago. It's almost like I am back at the beginning again except that I am no longer asking how do I get through the day - I know how to do that, but I don't know how to stop the pain. A telemarketer called today and asked how I was. I told her I was having a perfectly rotten day, and that I could not give any money to charity as I am having financial difficulties. I think I took her by surprise - I mean who ever says that?
I used to love Fall, but suddenly it has turned into a horrible time for me, starting with his birthday on Sept. 28. Of course it's not helping that my daughter is having health and financial problems that I cannot help her with. Also I am floating around between churches, none of which feel right for me at this time. If one more person, like a pastor, says that it takes time to "accept" Stan's death, I am very likely to say something very rude to them. It is NOT about ACCEPTANCE! I am so tired of that stupid word - it's about loneliness! I have accepted Stan's death from the moment he died. I was there, remember? - holding his hand, watching him take his last breath. How could I not ACCEPT that he was really gone? It's about everything I miss - his smile, his jokes, the unconditional love, the companionship. I cannot talk to anyone the way I could talk to him.
I am tired of waking up every morning sad, groping around for goals for the day to give me a reason to get up. I'm tired of not being able to listen to music because it makes me cry. I'm tired of watching TV alone at night. I'm even beginning to feel resentment against the widows who are remarryng, not because I want another husband, but because they seem to have pulled their lives together while I evidently have not. How sad is that? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Intellectually I can list all the good things in my life right now, including good health. But I cannot talk myself out of the way I feel. I could take depression meds - they are so easy to get these days; but what would that accomplish? Just dull the pain.......not change anything in my life, so I'll pass thanks. Besides, it's not like I feel this way all day - I actually have many hours where I enjoy a good book, a shopping trip, a chat with my daughter, etc. The pain is not constant; it does go away for awhile...but then it comes back. I'm sure God has a purpose for my life - I just wish HE would let me in on it! This is the 3rd Fall in a row that I am really ANGRY; is this what the rest of my life is going to look like?
I never thought I would feel like this after so much time. Even though I know Stan would have had a much harder time if I had died first, I still feel angry that he's happy wherever he is, and I'm the one stuck here!
Probably none of this makes any sense - just venting a lot of strong emotions today.