Ugh.
It's been a long hellish week in my short hellish life. Last Monday night, a very dear friend of my family's passed away. We all saw it coming. Her health had been declining slowly over the past many years, especially in the last 6 months or so. She was in the hospital basically as a vegetable for a month before my parents decided to end her suffering. Towards the end, she was severely brain damaged, her kidneys failing, heart barely functioning, and her lungs were bleeding.
I'm still devastated a week later. I watched her life slip away as she took her last breaths and it's had a profound effect on me. She was essentially my grandmother. She has no family except for a distant cousin in France where she is from. I feel so guilty that I didn't do more for her. She basically refused most help offered by me and my family. You can't really force someone to let you take care of them. It seems that she wanted to go on her own terms, and pass in the same quiet dignity she possessed her whole life.
Not only has her death wrecked me, but my mother continues to be a shockingly horrible person. Just for the record, she has not spoken to me since January. She invited me over for dinner, attacked me verbally, and when I fought back, stood up for myself, and stormed out of the house, she ceased talking to me. Nobody ever stands up to her...and gets away with it at least.
Over the last 7 months or so I have made a few feeble attempts to end this stupid bullshit, but to no avail. She is like a petulent child and expects me to fall to my knees and beg her forgiveness for...what? Lashing out and finally telling her off after years and years of verbal and psychological abuse? I don't fucking think so.
I foolishly thought that Denise's passing miiiight end this stupid feud and my mother would be a human being for just one night. At the hospital it was extremely awkward. My father and brother are not emotional people and my mother is a fucking monster, so it was basically me and Denise's best friend Sally crying and holding each other.
When the nurse came in and said it was time to pull out the breathing tube, my family was asked to wait in the waiting room while it was done. For a few tense moments I thought..."I should say something to my mom. Just reach out and say hello at least" and I turned to her, and said "Hi". She looked at me like I was a piece of shit on her shoe and said "What" and again I said "Hi" and hugged her. She didn't move. Didn't look at me, just stood there rigid as a statue. Everyone in my family as well as Sally saw this.
This was Monday night. I called in sick on Tuesday as I woke up that morning and just picked up crying where I'd left off the night before. I got through Wednesday and Thursday OK, but the wake and funeral was Friday and it was all a nightmare. Again, I held out the slim hope that my mother would be a fucking human being for one day...but again she proved me wrong.
She wouldn't talk to me but kept stealing glances at me. My father allowed me to take his car to the funeral home and save everyone the terrible awkward idea of the three of us riding there in silence. I also decided not to ride in the funeral with my family to the cemetary, and my bf and I rode in my dad's car.
For everyone keeping score, my mother is a monster. Denise is dead. My father is embattled and whipped and truly leads a life of quiet desperation. My brother is emotionless and essentially repeating the same mistake as my father. His wife is a manic harpy who DOES have some good qualities and is NOT a complete monster. They are expecting a baby in November. Her mom is very sick and probably not long for this world either.
Oh and my bf is still out of work and has been since December. He has not held down a full time job in over two years. It drives me fucking crazy. He also has crippling anxiety for which he is finally seeking help for today.
My job pisses me off since I basically sit around and do nothing all day but I have been doing the receptionist thing for five years now and it has turned my brain into mush and has killed my motivation. It's like I'm scared to take on a real job again and face actual challenges since my mental health has declined so much and I have grown so complacent with these sit around and do nothing all day jobs.
A friend of mine works for a pharmaceutical company and wants me to join him there in an admin type position. Twenty five bucks an hour (amazing). All SORTS of perks. Like...unbelievable perks. Trouble is, my motivation is shot. Plus, there is a slight chance I could inherit Denise's house in Woburn. Plus...I might inherit my dad's car as he will get hers now. So basically there is a possibility I could do this job, but I have no motivation and am scared to have a "real job" again.
I hate myself so much. Basically everything pisses me off lately and I feel powerless and helpless and hopeless. I generally keep journal entries private but will keep this one open. Maybe someone reading this will have some insight, who knows?
I'm still devastated a week later. I watched her life slip away as she took her last breaths and it's had a profound effect on me. She was essentially my grandmother. She has no family except for a distant cousin in France where she is from. I feel so guilty that I didn't do more for her. She basically refused most help offered by me and my family. You can't really force someone to let you take care of them. It seems that she wanted to go on her own terms, and pass in the same quiet dignity she possessed her whole life.
Not only has her death wrecked me, but my mother continues to be a shockingly horrible person. Just for the record, she has not spoken to me since January. She invited me over for dinner, attacked me verbally, and when I fought back, stood up for myself, and stormed out of the house, she ceased talking to me. Nobody ever stands up to her...and gets away with it at least.
Over the last 7 months or so I have made a few feeble attempts to end this stupid bullshit, but to no avail. She is like a petulent child and expects me to fall to my knees and beg her forgiveness for...what? Lashing out and finally telling her off after years and years of verbal and psychological abuse? I don't fucking think so.
I foolishly thought that Denise's passing miiiight end this stupid feud and my mother would be a human being for just one night. At the hospital it was extremely awkward. My father and brother are not emotional people and my mother is a fucking monster, so it was basically me and Denise's best friend Sally crying and holding each other.
When the nurse came in and said it was time to pull out the breathing tube, my family was asked to wait in the waiting room while it was done. For a few tense moments I thought..."I should say something to my mom. Just reach out and say hello at least" and I turned to her, and said "Hi". She looked at me like I was a piece of shit on her shoe and said "What" and again I said "Hi" and hugged her. She didn't move. Didn't look at me, just stood there rigid as a statue. Everyone in my family as well as Sally saw this.
This was Monday night. I called in sick on Tuesday as I woke up that morning and just picked up crying where I'd left off the night before. I got through Wednesday and Thursday OK, but the wake and funeral was Friday and it was all a nightmare. Again, I held out the slim hope that my mother would be a fucking human being for one day...but again she proved me wrong.
She wouldn't talk to me but kept stealing glances at me. My father allowed me to take his car to the funeral home and save everyone the terrible awkward idea of the three of us riding there in silence. I also decided not to ride in the funeral with my family to the cemetary, and my bf and I rode in my dad's car.
For everyone keeping score, my mother is a monster. Denise is dead. My father is embattled and whipped and truly leads a life of quiet desperation. My brother is emotionless and essentially repeating the same mistake as my father. His wife is a manic harpy who DOES have some good qualities and is NOT a complete monster. They are expecting a baby in November. Her mom is very sick and probably not long for this world either.
Oh and my bf is still out of work and has been since December. He has not held down a full time job in over two years. It drives me fucking crazy. He also has crippling anxiety for which he is finally seeking help for today.
My job pisses me off since I basically sit around and do nothing all day but I have been doing the receptionist thing for five years now and it has turned my brain into mush and has killed my motivation. It's like I'm scared to take on a real job again and face actual challenges since my mental health has declined so much and I have grown so complacent with these sit around and do nothing all day jobs.
A friend of mine works for a pharmaceutical company and wants me to join him there in an admin type position. Twenty five bucks an hour (amazing). All SORTS of perks. Like...unbelievable perks. Trouble is, my motivation is shot. Plus, there is a slight chance I could inherit Denise's house in Woburn. Plus...I might inherit my dad's car as he will get hers now. So basically there is a possibility I could do this job, but I have no motivation and am scared to have a "real job" again.
I hate myself so much. Basically everything pisses me off lately and I feel powerless and helpless and hopeless. I generally keep journal entries private but will keep this one open. Maybe someone reading this will have some insight, who knows?
Replies
Greetings,
First of all please accept my deepest sympathy for your grandmotherly like friend. It\'s always difficult to lose a loved one and there is no \"correct\" timetable for your grieving to end.
Second, your mother and my mother could be sisters. Has your mother ever been diagnosed with bipolar or schizophrenic mental illness? Mine wasn\'t, but all of us adult children finally decided she was because she exhibited the same behaviors of your mother. my mother could be the sweetest person in the world when company was over, but turn into a monster at the drop of a hat when they left. There was a time when I didn\'t speak to my mother for over a year (and we lived in the same town) because I was so mad at her and I want to advise you, there is no reason you \'need\' to have a relationship with her now until some ground rules are set.
You may want to keep your dating options open, the last person you need in your life is one who demonstrates a lack of strength(no job since Dec, can\'t hold a job, etc).
I\'m going to go back and read some of your prior journals before offering any more advice.
Please know that you are a GOOD person who deserves to be happy just like everyone else. My prayer is that just such happiness reaches you soon.
blessings,
rev bry
Thanks - my life is a mess right now and I don\'t have the motivation or strength to fix it. I appreciate you helping me.