Less
I must admit I am feeling better. As I stated recently, my "generalized anxiety level" has gone down quite a bit. I have noticed that when I'm about to do some fairly ordinary things that used to "worry" me to do, I find it easier to stop the fear and realize that all it is, is that I am fearing how what I am about to do will be perceived, or judged by others, is about my "image"; and I quickly change my attitude to "don't worry about maintaining my (false) image!" Give myself confidence that however it turns out I will not be bleeding or bruised physically, there will be no "Torches and Pitchforks" involved, there won't be an angry mob, only my "image" will be bruised and embarrassed, and my "image" is just a thought anyway, and it not real. It is a fabrication of my imagination. That's why it's called an image.
Any embarrassment will be a fabrication also. Plus, I am not a psychic, I can't read or predict what people will think or feel, or control their thoughts and feelings, so why bother fearing anything? IT'S OKAY TO FUCK-UP, ROYALLY, AND NOT BE PERFECT!!! Fucking-up is my image's problem, not mine! I can try to learn to do new things and make the mistakes necessary in order to learn how to not make those same mistakes in the future. Embarrassment is a chosen feeling to punish myself for not living up to an fake image that "I" created!
I have agreed to stop being "special". To stop pretending I need to be "important", to stop pretending I need to be "superior", in everything. I have decided to stop "pretending", at all.
I have decided to accept reality, and stop trying to escape the "pain" of reality by pretending reality needs to be something different, or that there is something "wrong" with reality, or that there is something "wrong" with the real me and therefore I need another image to hide who I really am! There isn't; and I don't. The need to pretend is all a fabrication of a need in my mind; and a lie.
I am no longer willing to pretend to be ashamed of the real me.
I'm finding it a lot easier on my nervous system now to have to live up to my "image". My fears were about protecting my "image", not my real self, my soul, my life force. I feel much calmer even when I recall I have something to do for someone. I'm not as afraid of how my "image" will be perceived or "loved". I'm not as afraid of not being in total control of my "image".
I'm exploring; experiencing real feelings without correcting them to make sure they confrom to an idealized set of proscribed imaginary "perfect" standards. I no longer fear the threat of living up to an impossible standard, an image. It IS what it IS. Move on. Don't try to change what is. What IS is perfectly fine. Live it like it is. Do more of what I like doing, and less of what I don't like doing. But do. Release the expectations of imagination. Develop a taste for the reality of who I really am, not for the taste of that impossible "image".
The "carrot" I am chasing is of my own making, for me to chase. An illusion I am creating to avoid reality.
It may sound like I'm trying to convince myself too hard...I am,...and it's working...
P.S.: One more thing:
I have spent so much of my life worrying about how I will look if I do something, that I failed to even do it. And if I did do something, I failed to enjoy doing it while I was doing it, for fear of how I would look while doing it. And I am tired of doing that to myself so much of the time. I think I'll quit doing that too.
Any embarrassment will be a fabrication also. Plus, I am not a psychic, I can't read or predict what people will think or feel, or control their thoughts and feelings, so why bother fearing anything? IT'S OKAY TO FUCK-UP, ROYALLY, AND NOT BE PERFECT!!! Fucking-up is my image's problem, not mine! I can try to learn to do new things and make the mistakes necessary in order to learn how to not make those same mistakes in the future. Embarrassment is a chosen feeling to punish myself for not living up to an fake image that "I" created!
I have agreed to stop being "special". To stop pretending I need to be "important", to stop pretending I need to be "superior", in everything. I have decided to stop "pretending", at all.
I have decided to accept reality, and stop trying to escape the "pain" of reality by pretending reality needs to be something different, or that there is something "wrong" with reality, or that there is something "wrong" with the real me and therefore I need another image to hide who I really am! There isn't; and I don't. The need to pretend is all a fabrication of a need in my mind; and a lie.
I am no longer willing to pretend to be ashamed of the real me.
I'm finding it a lot easier on my nervous system now to have to live up to my "image". My fears were about protecting my "image", not my real self, my soul, my life force. I feel much calmer even when I recall I have something to do for someone. I'm not as afraid of how my "image" will be perceived or "loved". I'm not as afraid of not being in total control of my "image".
I'm exploring; experiencing real feelings without correcting them to make sure they confrom to an idealized set of proscribed imaginary "perfect" standards. I no longer fear the threat of living up to an impossible standard, an image. It IS what it IS. Move on. Don't try to change what is. What IS is perfectly fine. Live it like it is. Do more of what I like doing, and less of what I don't like doing. But do. Release the expectations of imagination. Develop a taste for the reality of who I really am, not for the taste of that impossible "image".
The "carrot" I am chasing is of my own making, for me to chase. An illusion I am creating to avoid reality.
It may sound like I'm trying to convince myself too hard...I am,...and it's working...
P.S.: One more thing:
I have spent so much of my life worrying about how I will look if I do something, that I failed to even do it. And if I did do something, I failed to enjoy doing it while I was doing it, for fear of how I would look while doing it. And I am tired of doing that to myself so much of the time. I think I'll quit doing that too.
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