Better

Lesson time. I am learning there is more than learning and understanding. There is also doing. Alot of what I am doing is futuristic, as in preparing for a future event (happiness) instead of being present, and acting in the present. I am feeling unhappy because I expect to be happy in the future, which, my mind understands as "I must not be happy now if I expect it to be different in the future". So I spend most of my time in the future, not now. It's causing problems. I am delaying action and activity since the future never arrives, to be here now, it's always in the future. Sneaky. I believe that's what yesterday was about. I had to go through yesterday to get to today. I am resisting change, just like everyone else. I have unconscious habits that are causing me problems in the present, and I am becoming aware of those problems in a piece-meal fashion. Some lessons are harder to do than others. I am feeling good that I do not accept the way things have been and can teach myself to take responsibility to change my habits as I become aware of them. I recognize that some of my habits are rituals that I am unaware of and I won't be able to change them until I question exactly what am I doing, and how I am doing it. "It" being the things that hurt me, instead of making me happy. These actions are behaviors, that are expressions of thoughts that are tied to feelings; and until I become conscious of my behaviors, I will not become conscious of what my thoughts and feelings are for doing those behaviors. And thoughts can be habits too, and they happen so instantaneously that they're often difficult to isolate for observation. None the less, I am being vigilant, and succeeding whenever I can. I don't have to think about how to ride a bicycle, or fly a airplane, I do it; and I don't have to think about how to beat myself up with feelings of guilt, I just do it. Learning to stop doing that requires many repetitions of experiencing failures to succeed until new habits for success can be formed. The new rewards have to be more important that the old rewards for continuing. "It ain't easy". Now, failing doesn't bother me as much. I just push "reset", and wait for the next opportunity to try the new way. I look for the good (eventually) as I recover from a bad experience and know that there is something positive in the lesson I'm being taught. So instead of a week or a month's worth of bad feelings, I felt that way for a day. To me that's progress. Now to learn to stay in the present, and overcome my self-esteem projections for the future. Have a great weekend!