Better
Things are better today. Getting all these thoughts out is helping. I've been trading thoughts with Gwen by messaging and some things are getting clearer, at the moment. One is that I'm beginning to observe and identify some of the patterns more distinctly. Last night's class brought up the concept of hypocondriasis; those people who who constantly believe there is something physically wrong with them. I my case (maybe) it's non-physical. It's more of an attitude, about identity? I believe there is something wrong with who I am so I continually look for things that could be wrong, differences, and conclude I 'should' be different, I 'should' feel differently; it's a form of OCD I think. It's about irrational feelings coming from irrational thoughts that are not being addressed for their truth. I react too quickly to too many emotional thoughts (or thoughts that are loaded with emotional content) as though they need immediate attention. I'm teaching myself to let that mental habit go, to let the feelings wash over me, observe them, and let them subside. I am retraining my mind. I've trained it, or it's trained me, to be addicted to adrenaline; to be on alert constantly, and by not reacting to every little thing as though they were crucial or a potential catastrophy is a way to de-toxify myself from the habit. It all boils down to the fact that I am causing all of this, and I'm slowly getting a better picture of what I'm doing to cause it.
The lesson I'm still trying to learn is that there is NOTHING wrong with me. I am who I am, I have some quirks, and the more dysfunctional ones that need to be changed are being ferreted-out and dealt with as best as can be expected. Gwen's right; it's my projections of myself that's giving me my problems. And I'm learning where those triggers are and how they work, when they work; and I'm learning, bit-by-bit, what the therapy is to heal them. It's a very arduous task, difficult, and not quick. The frustration comes from wanting immediate changes, which may not be possible. Learning can often be constantly failing until the new task is mastered, instead of a continuous series of ' AHA!' moments that change things suddenly. So...I think I'm going about it in the right way: I'm being patient (sometimes) and I am being determined. It is a process of remodeling, and if anyone knows about remodeling it's me! Unfortunately, there is no plan to go by. I'm constantly finding new things to remodel as I move forward. Eventually I will have repaired all the major parts without destroying the whole thing. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's not.
I'm going to stick with yesterday's Inner Bonding suggestion: Happiness is being loving, and being loving requires you love yourself first. So....I quit trying to 'fix' something that isn't that broken, but do repair those things that are not working as good as they could be.
I found this morning's DS post about the "Theory of Opposites" to be helpful. Withdrawing from your fears is the exact opposite thing you need to do. Isolation feeds the downward spiral. There is something to make note of though, withdrawing from immediate danger is not the same thing. Withdrawing from irrational fears is what is 'wrong'. The irrational fears are a challenge to be met and overcome with rational thinking; and that cannot be done unless they are met and dealt with.
Gotta go!
The lesson I'm still trying to learn is that there is NOTHING wrong with me. I am who I am, I have some quirks, and the more dysfunctional ones that need to be changed are being ferreted-out and dealt with as best as can be expected. Gwen's right; it's my projections of myself that's giving me my problems. And I'm learning where those triggers are and how they work, when they work; and I'm learning, bit-by-bit, what the therapy is to heal them. It's a very arduous task, difficult, and not quick. The frustration comes from wanting immediate changes, which may not be possible. Learning can often be constantly failing until the new task is mastered, instead of a continuous series of ' AHA!' moments that change things suddenly. So...I think I'm going about it in the right way: I'm being patient (sometimes) and I am being determined. It is a process of remodeling, and if anyone knows about remodeling it's me! Unfortunately, there is no plan to go by. I'm constantly finding new things to remodel as I move forward. Eventually I will have repaired all the major parts without destroying the whole thing. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's not.
I'm going to stick with yesterday's Inner Bonding suggestion: Happiness is being loving, and being loving requires you love yourself first. So....I quit trying to 'fix' something that isn't that broken, but do repair those things that are not working as good as they could be.
I found this morning's DS post about the "Theory of Opposites" to be helpful. Withdrawing from your fears is the exact opposite thing you need to do. Isolation feeds the downward spiral. There is something to make note of though, withdrawing from immediate danger is not the same thing. Withdrawing from irrational fears is what is 'wrong'. The irrational fears are a challenge to be met and overcome with rational thinking; and that cannot be done unless they are met and dealt with.
Gotta go!
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