Whew!

Well...evidently I have reached a plateau. The need to write wordy entries has subsided. I'm figured some stuff out and satisfied at the moment. I'm settling in to the idea of learning who I really am. This latest information has helped.  I believe it's been a classic conflict between being and individual and my relationship with my environment. It's the relationship issues that are giving me trouble I think. Mom told me once that I was as happy in my playpen as I was outside, which suggests what I already know: I have a rich and rewarding inner life, just as most introverts do. That inner life is so good that I regard my outside world as an interruption and invasion of my inner world most of the time. I am going to continue to explore who I am, and learn to accept that information. Then I'll decide how to interface with my life as it is. I think/feel that this co-dependency has been all about trying to adapt to the demands of my culture instead of adapting to who I am. It's always been about being "Wrong", about not fitting in, about being different, and denying I was different and have a right to be. I'll just have to work harder at where I fit in. I think the real 'break' came when I realized I have a RIGHT to be who I am and that I can claim that right, even if I'm different. Up until now it was about co-dependency and trying to please others in order to belong to their culture and way of being. I was denying my right to be me. As it is, I still do not respect myself yet. I'm getting less harsh and critical of myself for not being what I presume society wants me to be in order to fit in, but I still do not know enough about myself to know what I can do, what I'm best at. I am still confused about what everyone else wants and how I can adapt myself to their wishes instead of deciding what I want to do and where I can do it. I think as I process the information, re-organize it, I'll be able to get a more satisfactory picture of myself with the ability to set boundaries to protect feelings and needs by my own responses. That I will be able respect and enforce my own boundaries. To own and accept my own feelings and thoughts. Until then I'll keep learning and growing and recovering. Recovering my self.