Good

Same as yesterday, but not as good. My thoughts this morning were more about occupation. I think that's the right word for what I was trying to get to yesterday. When I allow my feeliongs to come out about it, it seems that I've spent a lot of my past learning to do stuff to prove my worth, to others first, and then myself. I think mainly myself. I know there's some artistry to it, because I was more interested in how well I did it. To prove I could do well at what I was doing. Plus, I learned everything about building, from the ground up: from setting forms to installing tile and plastic laminate counter-tops, to building doors. The point is that I was focused on dong it well, not on the career itself, and how to make money at it. It was never about how I could provide for my family and myself, it was about whether I was good enough or not. A serious self-image problem. I was focused on the wrong thing, the wrong purpose. It's somewhat dissappointing to realize that today, but...oh well...what can I do about the past? Nothing! So now there is a shift in my viewpoint. I am slowly beginning to accept myself as I am, and am slowly turning my feelings about myself from looking at my faults and lackings, to looking at what I may be good at. It's not all that easy to do. I'm too used to criticizing myself still. I feel I'm getting over that co-dependency part about trying to please everyone all the time: as Booky said "Trying to control everything but myself". That's the point: to learn to deal with my own feelings. I am getting better at telling myself what I want. Previously I wouldn't let myself want anything for myself. I didn't think I deserved it because I didn't think I was good enough at anything to deserve anything I wanted. I'm beginning to change that belief. I can want what I want simply because I do; I don't have to justify it to anyone. (That's a pretty broad generalization, and the details may need to be thought out. But I'll do that some other time.) What I am doing is letting my feelings be heard. To feel them without guilt. Just to see what they are telling me. I think the part of that other book that said co-dependents deny their feelings may have had a good affect on me. As a matter of fact, I think I'm making good progress in the right direction. That brings me back to last night and dealing with my own feelings. The book I'm reading "The Developing Mind" occassionally mentions 'shyness'; and I'm always considered myself shy (remembering back when I was a child hanging onto Momma's dress or skirt, or hiding behind it; being shy of strangers and some relatives). MGS1 calls it 'slow-to-warm', which is a realistic observation of how people like me act. Sometimes I can overcome it, and sometimes, once I actually warm up to friends I feel confortable with, you can't even tell that I'd consider myself shy. But here's the deal, and why it has an affect on who I am, and maybe my co-dependency. I believe there may be a 'cross-over' effect. According to my textbook, women's brains are smaller than men's; however, women's brains are more densely packed with neurons than men's. So size doesn't matter, number of neurons do. But whatever gender, the right hemisphere has more than the left hemisphere. The right hemisphere has more to do with subjective feelings and the self; the left hemisphere has more to do with linguistics (speech), logic, and reasoning. What happens though, is that in people like I believe myself to be, Highly Sensitive Persons, my right brain is too sensitive. (The right hemisphere process information in parallel, across the wide spectrum, the left brain process information in order, speech is an orderly process and relates to socialability.) Shy people's right brain has trouble with new information coming in too fast, or with novelty, newness. It can be easily overwhelmed by trying to take in too much information at once. The odd thing is that as it is overwhelmed, protecting the self, it shuts down access to the left brain; the one that gives logic, reasoning, and social behavior cues. So until the shy person can calm their excitement, they feel like idiots; they are afraid of how they'll act, what they'll forget, they're like stunned/immobile. There is a great deal of shame attached with this overwhelmed feeling, especially since everyone else doesn't react this way. Especially extraverts.  Now I understand why I like being alone so much, and why I have so much trouble meeting new people and being excited. Excitement means I may have the feeling of loss of control of my feelings, of feeling overwhelmed. The thing is, it's non-conscious, it's automatic, so far. I believe that this information may help in the future, so I can monitor my excitement level, and remind myself that I can control my irrational fears, that I am not in any physical danger, most of the time (the only physical 'danger' is how the excitement effects my physical body inside). That the fear is the fear of having my feelings overwhelmed. No wonder my friend Kay always says I'm such a calming influence, I have to be that way to keep from being overwhelmed. It also explains all the trouble I had as a superintendent when dealing with new contractors and sub-contractors; it was the stress of shyness about new and unknown people. So that's another clue to consider for my occupation: minimal exposure to novel situations and strangers. I'm even willing to suggest that it may have an affect on my co-dependency, that I defer to others to avoid conflict because of the possible excitement of a confrontation; the excitement threatens overwhelm-ment, so I avoid that painful feeling of loss of control of my feelings and reasoning ability. So where does that leave me? 1) learn to control my moods; 2) learn to control my excitability in new, novel, and unusual situations, expect it to be a problem; 3) respect myself.  Pray, ask for help, Rich