Thoughts

Just some thoughts about co-dependency this morning: Co-dependency is about alot of things, one is denial, as I mentioned before, of one's feelings, needs, problems, and control. It seems control is a really big issue for co-denendents. Mainly controlling their own feelings, and trying to control others. Also behaviors. Boundaries are difficult because saying "no" to a request may dissappoint or hurt another's feelings, this is an act of trying to control the other person's hurt feelings, which is probably what the co-dependent is trying to do themselves, avoid hurt feelings, control their own feelings. I'm suggesting that at some point in their lives the co-dependent was taught to control or deny their own feelings. The act of trying to control another's feelings is a dyfunctional way of avoiding one's own feelings, denying them.  It seems that co-dependents believe they cannot be happy unless everyone else is happy. They cannot disconnect their feelings as seperate from others. They are too sympathetic. They are trying to control their feelings inside by controling things outside. By denying their own feelings in order to control and sympathize with other's feelings their feelings move up and down and all around according to what's going on outside themselves, while supressing their own feelings. This is what causes all the frustration, mood swings, depression, borderline personality symptoms, dependency, et al. This is the habit that needs to be broken, it's an addiction, an addictive way of thinking. What I was thinking this morning was the Biblical suggestion of "Do onto others as you would have them do unto you". This is a critical mistake for co-dependents, it's about controlling. The implied message is that in order to be treated the way you want to be treated you must treat others that way, thereby controlling how they treat you. It doesn't work. I may be confused about my interpretation, but I will continue anyway. I think a better motto for co-dependents is "Do unto others as you wouild do unto yourself". If you are loving, kind, and forgiving to others, then be that way to yourself. If you are judgemental about others you are probably overcritical about yourself. It's all about reflection and how you want are are treating youself. Co-dependents do not treat themselves well. To me this is the whole message about recovering from co-dependency, establishing an identity with feelings and needs independent from others by learning to treat ourselves without denial. To feel our true feelings and needs without trying to control them, and/or in order to please someone else. That we can learn to empathize without having to sympathize by changing our feelings to suit the feelings of others.  That's what I'm trying to do now, establish a self that has independent feelings and needs that I want to love and honor without the need to control those feelings. To know that I will survive any painful feelings, and that I will not be punished for having them. Not easy, but I think it's going in the right direction. Anyway, that's my feelings for this morning. Rich