Fine

I'm a little lost at the moment. You all are right though, a goal would help, and right now I don't have one. I'm not passionate about my work; it's something to do. The Counseling idea is "Nice" at the moment, except now I'm questioning whether I can afford to continue because of gas prices, and work. I have the luxury of working when I want, as a sub-contractor. I don't HAVE to jump out of bed and SCREAM off to work, I can relax and move at my own pace. I can't remember ever having a job I truly loved, that I jumped out of bed to do. I ve been able to do so many things that it confuses me. Maybe I'm just tired because of age or finances. I've got that "What's the use" attitude where this current work will pay some bills for a month, then time to start searching for something else I don't want to really do but have to.  I have never found my ourpose, my passion, yet. I don't knoe why. One explanation is my relationship with my Dad, his neglect, (or so it seemed), judgment, absence ---these are things that can lead to this feeling of undirectedness. I'm not blaming, it's just a fact of life. There's nothing to forgive, He was just trying to make a living for the family, like so many other dads. Nothing personal, just a quirk of nature. Anyway, I can't remember when I ever truly enjoyed work (which doesn't mean I didn't, I just can't remember when I'm in a down mood like this).  It could be just my nature to be negative and independent. I am not a competitive sort, I'm a group goal sort, but a team member who will play his part well, and not take any crap about how the other team members didn't play well. I HATE group judgment, like racism. Team failures and castigations cause splits in the unified field of the team, it's counter-productive unless you want to break up the team. Maybe that's why I'm an independent contractor and a future counselor...I'll do my work as well as I can, and be responsible for it, and let the other contractors (individuals) take the heat for their mistakes. Somewhere in my past I was punished as a group member, when I know I did my best. I am a staunch individual because of it evidently. It's hard to defend yourself for someone else's mistakes. It makes me really angry. I go to work now because I have to and need to, not because I want to. That 'wanting' to is a big deal for me, simply because the other is self-abusive: Why do something you truly don't enjoy?". I don't know why I'm blocked in ths area, but I have been. Maybe it's just ignorance of what else is out there, may it's just projecting on my part. But the truth is I'm unhappy, and have been for a long long time. The rewards just haven't been there, and I'm only now beginning to focus on the rewards; before it was all about "Am I good enough", "Do I know enough". My contracting work has always been about "am I charging too much" and feeling gulity, as though a I would be called a thief or crook for asking for what I wanteed. Plus I don't have anyone I can talk to to compare pricing; I'm really dumb in this area.  So...there's still a lot of codependent work to go through yet. I'm making some progress, but I've got a ways to go. I think the Diagnostic Model's name for it is Dependent Personality Disorder. So, anyway, it's time to read some other Journals and go to work. Life goes on....