AHA!

Well.....i've been in a funk. Last night's sucidal thoughts helped; you see I now feel thoughts like that are like dreams: they indicate a change is MANDATORY, part of the self (or Ego or thought system) MUST change. It usually marks the end of a 'low' feeling cycle, and a necessary change in thought and behavior. The Authentic self is saying "Enough"! The problem is when people mistakenly believe they must destroy the whole body and not just the negative thought system. (I figured this out all by myself). The point of this morning's journal, though, is about the shyness 'thinghy'. I felt bad enough yesterday, but I am learning that ALL times of 'low' feelings are temporary...you have to wait them out. They'll go away eventually, they're like the tides; they constantly come and go (for me) until I teach myself how to handle them better. I think I got this teaching from Carlson's second book "You Can Be HAPPY...".  This morning I woke up with a thought (I get alot of thoughts between 'waking up' and 'getting up') about who I was really talking to on Thursday morning's ranting. What I intuited this morning is that "I........ am the PROBLEM"! The one who chooses to feel shy is ME! I'M the one who shames my behavior! I'M the one who demands I 'should' be like the others! I'M the one who doesn't think I'm good enough! I'M the one who won't allow me to feel my feelings! I'M the one who critisizes my feelings as not right or appropriate when I feel them! I'M the one who expects to be a know-it-all and do-it-all. I'm the one who feels I 'should' be perfect! I'M the one that has great expectations of myself. I'm the problem. I need to stop looking outside for the circumstances that are causing 'The PROBLEM'. I am my own worst enemy. The thoughts and beliefs I carry around with me about me are the problem. I'm the one making all the demands on me, about how I SHOULD be. All I have to do is to remember this stuff. I think it has to do with RESPONSIBILITY and not REACTABILITY. Not to depend on my environment or the people in it to GIVE me anything! That I can get what I need myself, on my own...like Happiness. Learn how to respond, not just react (like a victim). What a time to have to learn this lesson! Oh well...better late than never. Now I'll go check in and see how my friends are doing, if anything....while I sit here all alone, waiting...sniffel, sniffel  (This part is called 'codependent baiting' to see if anyone will take the bait and feel sorry for me...how lame of me!) Happy Easter Bunny!