Gone...

All day yesterday. Babysat my friends daughter (that I helped raise ) over the years. She wore me out! Evidently she is suffering from touch-deprivation. She LOVES to be hugged, cuddled, be close to someone. It was most satisfying to be able to supply that much love and affection, I just wasn't ready for the amount for 'clingy-ness' and the physical demands of carrying her or even that much closeness. My normal day does not usually include having a 6 yearold crawl all over me for a day. (Maybe it's just my age! ) Now that I'm rested, I can enjoy it, the lack of eating enough food all day might have had something to do with it, also the lack of 'down-time' mentally to the constant stimulation and attention. I too k her to see "Horton Hear's a Who", it was very good, I enjoyed it.  All THAT being said... I Have already written a new resume' that is really GOOD (for a change), but I have a need to write one more. Originally I thought it was for others to read, and it may be, but I intuit that it's really going to be for me to read...to express my core authentic self. An opportunity to express my ture feeling s about who I am instead of the codependent method of trying to impress someone else or manipulate how I want them to feel about me...I'll let you know if it ever happens....not that I'll share it, but it may change my personality a little, goals, etc. I'll really quite tired of hiding who 'I am' from myself. (Or maybe I'm tired of my Ego hiding my 'I am' from my conscious awareness.) Maybe it's acceptence-time! The reason for this line of thinking this morning is because of 'findingways's Journal entry and my response: about shyness. I'm a little startled by the thought that my resume' writing problems may still be caused by my shyness. I can actually remember that as a child (4 to 6, or so) holding on to mom's skirt when she took me shopping with her, hiding behing it, holding on to it, like a leash or an umbilical cord. I believe the shyness is genetic, not certain yet, but most likely it is. I feel that who I should 'forgive' is all the people in my life who could not, and would not, let me be shy, to let me be me: who I was genetically born to be. Their discomfort in my shyness has caused me a great deal of harm...I can see where I got the idea that I was unworthy, not god enough...to be me. It may have been the environment of relentless comments about 'don't be shy' that allowed me to believe 'something' was 'WRONG' with me; that my 'difference' was unacceptable to 'others'. People on this Discussion Group, my new friends, may not want to believe I'm shy, or want to state that 'you don't seem that way'; which would be typical of every other person I've met growing up. Don't tell me how I look, or seem...to you. When I tell you how I feel, DON'T argue with me!!!  If you can't handle the truth about how I feel, that's your problem; not mine. If you ask me how I feel (or anyone else for that matter) wait for the answer; listen; do not correct, do not try to feel my feelings or justify them according to YOUR standards of 'appropriate' feelings, simple acknowledgment of the question being answered is the key. It's mood information, or a statement of who I believe myself to be, not a 'problem' that needs to be corrected. No one else HAS to feel like I do, how I do, or why I do. Allow me to be, respect my feelings for being who I am...at the moment.  As a 'good' codependent type, I'll apologise to my friends now for the outburst you're reading. I don't do it very often, I was taught not to (ring a bell?) Maybe it's just part of my grieving process; the anger stage. But you can certainly tell that 'findinways's word 'shyness' really hit a 'HOT-button' for me, and I want to thank her for her unintentional cooperation in helping me in my healing and recovery process...I'm good now. I just learned something abouit myself and expressed it...and it feels GOOD! Later Dude's and Dudette's,Love ya'