Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Going through some stressful times at the moment, Thank God ALL of our friends don't go through the 'low' periods at the same times we do. The escape from reality by imaginning dreams of future joy is an enticing distraction. This preperation for getting into Grad school demands some history work, and self-awareness questions that I find upsetting. To have to explain myself, and my thoughts, in order to please someone else, causes my codependent self to rebel. As a 'natural' people-pleaser, because of the learned behavior of being codependent, of being highly sensetive to others needs (how to make THEM happy so i can get what "I" want), seems to be engaging a codependent characteristic of 'all or nothing thought' for now. My mind 'flips' to mind-reading others desires for the answers they're wanting from me. Some of the questions seem unimportant in their purpose, so I argue, with my self mentally, as to why this or that particular question is necessary; in other words, I lack the knowledge of its purpose, so it makes the fear of not answering the question correctly strike a 'codependent nerve', does that make sense? What I find odd in my felings, is that I go from one extreme to the other without a middle...I can either formulate ideas for pleasing myself, or for pleasing others; but I can't see both. Give me a minutr here...I'm thinking of how to say what I feel. I'm either all in or I'm detached. I can either focus on the 'problem' with great intensity, or ignor it completely, I can't tell whether it's caused by stress or what.  It's the same with trying to search for employment: either I must 'force' myself to do whatever I'm asked to do, whether I want to or not ; to be completely codependent and lose myself in someone else's dilemma, or I allow myself to look for ways to care for my own dilemmas. This is especially so in this career-changing challenge I'm into. This interest in counseling feels just too good, like 'what am I not seeing here'? It's like 'scattered's' message that she's INTJ, a "Mastermind" personality characteristic of 'contingency planning', the process of entrailment thinking...the if/then thinking in order to be prepared for any surprises. It is a natural scrutiny for what may be missing or overlooked in a plan for achieving a goal, happiness, and then getting disappointed in the end because something wasn't considered as important when all that 'imagineering' was going on in our minds. Having experienced enough of the disappointing 'dream meets reality' scenario's in life where 'reality' crushed any hope of 'expectant' joy, it becomes a negative learned experience of not trusting your "this is how I'd like it to be" thoughts. And at the moment, I'm not getting any thing that even resembles tacit signals of correctness from the universe, it's mainly HOPE, and to tell you the truth, I don't like to gamble, especially when the stakes are success or destructive failure. I've had enough disappointment in life; maybe I just haven't learned whatever lesson I'm supposed to have learned yet in order to make my life happier, But it's a lesson I'd like to learn sooner than later. As a 'low foresight' type, it's the question that is the plan I make NOW, going to be a worthwhile plan when I get to the end of achieving what I need to accomplish it?! Anyway, I'm just 'stuck' at the moment! More questions than answers. Looking for a response from outside to comfort me. I can't tell whether it's an avoidance behavior or not. Or whether it's a trust issue with my own desires. Everything seems to point to a helping career, I feel much happier talking about emotional and mental theory: philosophy, than anything else. What I talk about on this Discussion Group, and the way I talk about it, is me in my most happy state, and the thanks I get sometimes is personally rewarding. Maybe it's the ego self-esteem thing we're not supposed to do as codependents, where no one knows WHO made the doors as an art form down on the 'ranch', just an unknown 'somebody'. No one to appreciate the effort that went in to making them, the challenges overcome...just "here's your check, now clean up your mess and leave, Thanks". Maybe I expect too much out of life, or myself...maybe that's just the 'controlling' issue most of us codependents face. Maybe codependents just suffer from a form of 'Introverted Autism' (that's strange...I just looked up the word autism to see if I spelled it correctly and it says: "autism: a state of mind characterized by daydreaming, hallucinations, and disregard of external reality.") which actually aptly describes my mental behavior. SHIT! more research! Well, it may be a clue. I wonder if there's a cure? So here I go again with the ADD-type lack of concentration disorder, to move my focus somewhere else...is it synchronicity, or immaturity?Ah, yes; the unanswered questions of a searching mind, a mind looking for answers without a clearly formed question. Groping more than directed. Some fun, eh? Later