Okay, here is what I've got for today. I had been asking myself for guidance about just how many different things are really happening to me and influencing me, sensing that this codependency thing was not the only problem. A litle synchronistic research began to appear.The four 'spheres of influence' for me seem to be codependency, introversion, "low-foresight", and my personality type: Introverted-Intuitive-Feeling-Judging (INFP).The INFP is a self descriptive determination, i.e., the tests ask you about yourself. My questions are: is my codependency learned or inherent? Are my answers a result of my codependency, or are they seperate concepts? (The descriptions of an INFJ and an INFP sound very codependent in principle) So is the codependency just a potential disease for all of my type (the NF's)? Is it a logical result of my being me, or is it something people who are not in my type suffer from? My 'type' - Counselor,  is stated to be as rare as less than 1% of the general population, instead of 1/16th, as a simple mathematical result one would suggest as being one of the 16 types. So my first conclusion that I may feel like an 'ugly duckling' is probably begining to form here. The next sphere is the Introverted characteristic: a preference to get all my energy from the inside. Maybe that's why I have 'in'-sights and 'in'-tuition. I certainly like working alone, I'm not a social butterfly, I have few friends, and the ones I DO have are very close an deep friendships. I think deeply, and often. It's my favorite sport. According to Marti Laney, introvert's minds are PHYSICALLY different from extrovert's minds in how they retrieve memory: Extroverts use a very short 'dopamine' system to get information, remember names of people they meet, even casually, and are quick to answer questions; introverts operate on a acetyl-choline systems that takes a very circuitous (round-a-bout) route throught the forebrain in order to retrieve memory, have a difficult time answering questions that require thought and memory, can't remember people's names if they meet them away from their assiciated environment, or haven't seen in 'awhile'. Being an introvert means preferring to be alone, so that introverts ostacise themselves from the 'herd', appear to be 'ugly' ducklings, just because they may be more sensitive to exterior stimuli. The need to organize exterior stimuli tires the brain of introverts, so they need more time away from 'excitement' in order to function. 'sadave46' is meeting with a group discussing the book "The Highly Sensitive Person", which I already read as a resource cited in Laney's "The Introvert Advantage"; which I feel has a lot to do with my 'reactive' codependent style, and sensitivity to others presence. Our society is extrovert based, as are many of our teachers; extroverts seem to have a 'herd' mentality and are so effusive, outgoing, and busy that they actually believe and teach that everyone 'should' be like them, and if they're not, they're either sick, or need to be 'forced' to conform to their needs, as a herd animal. In cities it's especially true, rural areas may not have the same problems. Extroverts feel better in the city, and move there from rural areas (IMO). So! My second conclusion is that my feeling of being the 'ugly duckling' is probably real. Being an Introvert, and by myself, makes me odd; when compared to the masses in my environment. Codependency may be the reaction to being wanted and accepted as a result on the 'imperfection' of being introverted, or my type, and or both. My sensitivity to my unconscious insights and intuition may make it too easy to feel like I belong to the herd, and have a place in their scheme of protection for the herd purpose...safety in numbers. It definitely gives one the opportunity to focus on everything BUT the 'faults' of being an 'ugly duckling'; the feelings of oddness, 'sickness', difference, from 'normal' that I assume so many codependents have. To examine how badly we fail to be like the majority (To think and feel 'like' they do), can be an enormous fear-avoidance problem. To finally admit how badly we do not like ourselves when we compare ourselves to the demands of our society can seem crushing and self-destructive to the ego defenses we've built up in a lifetime. Even though self-destruction is the perfect solution...in this case the destruction of the belief that the ego we've created in order to survive and not be our authentic self needs to be destroyed...it is not necessary to destroy the whole organism, just the belief. Suicide fails to seperate the organism and self from the behavioral problems; no doubt a result of 'shaming' as a learned trait: the inability to seperate the being from the behavior. The last sphere is a little less known; It was determined of me by Johnson-O'Conner Research in 1984. Originally, the test was thought to be a test of 'ideaophoria' (Creative Imagination), it turned out to be measuring something completely different from the 'creative flow of ideas'. Further research showed, in fact, the 'test was measuring an ability AND need to work towards a goal, to plan ahead, to visualize the future, and to postpone immediate gratification in the hope of a distant reward. (NOW, I understand the IMPULSE problem I have, and the LACK of ability to learn to control it; it's a much BIGGER problem than I thought). It would also explain why when I ask myself what would I like to do, I have no ready answer. This 'fault' has a missing link to a block in an ability that many others do not have. It's no wonder I didn't know what I was going to do when I graduated college; I had no goal other than the immediate one...graduate with something! Prove you were smart! (to yourself). This 'problem' prevents one from having the ability to keep the mind on any objective at all; an aimless wandering through life, or so it appears. On the positive side, it expresses an instinctive need for freedom. The problem hidden here is society's demand for a goal, which is alien to people like me! No wonder I feel like an 'ugly duckling'! Actually, it is suggested that I do NOT try to achieve success in the traditional manner (Like the standards and methods society demands for its understanding for rewarding success), but just focus on the here and now, to just follow your interests by using you aptitudes daily. I thrive on challenging problems, needing great intensity (just like construction offers), and once completed, move on th the next challenge. Low-foresight's are at their best when there is call for their best efforts to solve an immediate problem! (a snag may be, when a friend has a problem; the reaction is to act codependently and drop everything else in order to solve THEIR problem instead of focusing on the current goal). Low-foresight's function best when pursuing an intense personal interest: a new scientific law, an intriguing legal problem, or a new artistic technique. Whatever it is, it hits a core: inspiration. That must come from inside. (Evidently, and they don't say it in so many words, this may be a problem that affects introverts, since the 'in'-spiration comes from inside... So...I am an 'ugly duckling', my feelings of guilt for being different, and who I am are justifed as long as I compare my needs to society's needs. So I'd better get used to feeling 'alone'; I may not be in a class by myself, but the role call may be really short. So today I feels justified for bein angry, and feeling attacked, and feeling sad. These feelings are right and true; to deny them would be 'shameful', part of the purpose of others to control who I am for their own pleasure and happiness. Maybe this entry will help me, soon; if not others. Bye