More garbage! Stay loose here. Last night I made another addendum to yesterday's Journal entry. I quit writing to avoid the onslaught of feelings coming out of accusing my environment for not helping me or realizing that I need help. Once again I look to blame things outside for the problems going on inside...evidently I am such a good actor at hiding my feelings that I even successfully hid them from myself. I notice that I spend some time trying to help my DS friends get through their grieving too quickly; I now 'feel' that that is the exact opposite thing to do to help codependents...at least for my type who repress their feelings. Feeling my feelings is exactly what I didn't do to overcome my problems. Fear of my own feelings, as wrong, is the problem; not having a safe way to express them to others and myself is the problem. The process is that the more I repress my feelings, the more pressure builds up, and then like last night, when there is the slightest chance that I let my feelings come out, they ALL want to come out at the SAME time; so that I'm overwhelmed by the sheer multitude of what I've never had the courage to face at the time they occured. It freightens the mind that is so used to constraining those feelings. The 'adaptation response' is too traumatic, like the abrupt ending of a relationship, a death, a divorce, etc. It would seem that a codependent's first response (at least mine) is DENIAL; which would make sense since we spend so much time trying to control our entire environment, that anything that exposes our true lack of control scares the shit out of us! We're not sure what we've done 'wrong', but something went 'wrong' because things have changed without our 'permission'! And if our lack of control is exposed to our awareness, who knows how many other of the things we delude ourselves into thinking we control are actually not under our control! Information and emotional (FEAR) overload is the response. Danger is the signal; we're out of control! And we're 'supposed to be IN control! Yeah, I can see that process happening; HELL, I've LIVED it! The change in the environment as a result of the release of too many repressed emotions has been so disturbed that the 'mind' becomes 'bruised' by the effort it feels it needs to make to adapt to being comfortable in the new place it now finds itself. It's better for a tire to go flat slowly, than to have all that pressure to go suddenly, with the sudden noise, the flapping rubber, the flood of adrenaline to 'fix it now', the coordinating of who's going to fix it now, the worry about cost, where was I going when this happened, am I going to be late (this particular 'crime', lateness, is a horrible tragedy to thrust on my friends who may never recover from the effects of the damage my 'lateness' will cause), will my friends wonder what happened, what will they think of me for 'letting' this happen, what could I have done to have prevented this, why didn't I check my tires before I left (especially that tire), how stupid and incompetant I am...you all know the drill if you're codependent. For me it's the same with letting those emotions out all at once. I feel like all codependents are born with an inherent sense of negativity: from coming into a cold operating room, with bright lights, into cold hands; your eyes, nose, ands ears immediately siphoned out; hung upside down by your heels on new legs that have never before been straightened out, spanked on you behind for the first time in your life when you've done nothing wrong, blood rushing to your head, screaming outloud for the first time, strangers talking to your ultra sensitive new ears that have been insulated from direct sound for months...yeah, I can see where the first few moments of life may have been traumatic for some codependents...If I could give any gift to my fellow bros. and sis. codependents, it would be a quicker way to recognize and go through the five steps of the grieving process.  Codependents are a VERY serious group of humans! Everthing outside of them is very important, EVERYTHING! Some people are born with a very shallow interest in the world (I call them extraverts, but that may not be an accurate type-ing), nothing really sems to matter to them.  We, just need better coping tools. Non-codependents are like a marsh: shallow and cover a large area; codependents are like a water-well hole: 6" diameter, but go 100' to 500'+ DEEP. Same amount of water (Spirit), let's say, just distributed differently; opposite ends of a method of containing water, both valid, but still diametrically opposed.  "Depth" means something to codependents; depth of meaning, depth of emotions; this is what sets codependents apart. It's also probably a good anaolgy: codependents stack their emotions on top of each other; non-codependents don't , theirs are all available on the surface. Codependents have to go through all the others on top before they can get to the one they may need in the middle, or worse, the one at the 'bottom'. Having to go through all those other denied feelings of pain to get to the one you need now is just to draining (if you'll forgive the pun). It's just not in our nature to change the shape of our environment too quickly, it's just too painful (Or maybe it's just too painful for me).Now to my case: hypothetically, I am having an inner battle within myself over continuing to be codependent or not. My Intuition is battling for freedom for my true self against my 'Habit' for dominance! My 'Habits' are based on FEAR, created to escape pain in order to feel comfort. My 'habits' were adopted based on my beliefs, and an understanding of the operational principles of my environment, inside and out. If any one of my fundamental beliefs is wrong, then their use is not functional, and I'll fail when I use them; consistently. Occasionally, they'll work...randomly; which keeps them alive in the mind, so that the environment is blamed for any failure, not the errant belief; thereby avoiding the changing of the belief for a better one.That's all I have for today.