Yesterday I realized I could kill myself with insulin. Why haven't I thought of that before??? When I realized how excited and hopeful I felt for a second or two I became really sad. I cried . I thought maybe the crying would give me some relief but it didn't really. I was sad because usually when I think about suicide it is because I am frustrated or angry, tired of fighting and trapped. This time I realized that I am giving up. It is a more realistic plan. It is more realistic but I am not going to act on it.
I have spent the past 2 hours tossing and turning. My CPAP mask kept leaking and I had to keep readjusting it. I washed the cushion so it should have sealed. I finally figured out that the humidifier was turned up too high and the moisture was causing the mask to slip. Too bad I didn't figure that out until I had been fighting with it for 2 hours and it was time to get up. It wouldn't have made much difference anyway because the arthritis in my spine is causing me a 5 to 7 out of 10 on the pain scale. I was afraid that might happen if I used the fan last night. I have night sweats and need the fan or the sweats are waking me up. I want to sleep. i want 8 hours of peaceful sleep. I want to sleep without pain or cpap waking me up. I want to sleep without waking up feeling like my body is on fire.
My arm is getting more numb but the pain has gone away so I cancelled the appointment with the hand doc. I am getting another flare of hidradenitis suppurativa again. I have an appointment with my primary in a couple of weeks. I decided to forego the dermatologist for now. It would mean at least 2 appointments per month and the co pays add up.
There are 2 reasons that I don't go to the doc. They blame everything on my weight. Mostly it is true. My weight has caused some issues and made some others worse but some issues I had had for years and they began when there wasn't so much weight. I realize they are just doing their job and there job is to point out the obvious. They don't realize I would rather be dead than be the disgusting freak that I am now. I just fail in my attempts to either lose weight or die.
Yes, this morning I feel empty inside. There really isn't anything there. I could walk out of over a year of therapy the same as I walked in...actually worse. I could walk out of it and barely feel a thing because I am not really here.
I just took 800 mg ibuprofen so my back should begin to loosen up. I will be fine when I get to work....or close to it.
I am going to stop writing in the mornings. I was only doing it to see where my head is in the morning and see if there is a pattern.
I don't remember the second reason I don't go to the doc.....probably because the one issue is a revolving door issue. I would be there every couple of weeks for several months while they figured out an effective treatment plan.
I have spent the past 2 hours tossing and turning. My CPAP mask kept leaking and I had to keep readjusting it. I washed the cushion so it should have sealed. I finally figured out that the humidifier was turned up too high and the moisture was causing the mask to slip. Too bad I didn't figure that out until I had been fighting with it for 2 hours and it was time to get up. It wouldn't have made much difference anyway because the arthritis in my spine is causing me a 5 to 7 out of 10 on the pain scale. I was afraid that might happen if I used the fan last night. I have night sweats and need the fan or the sweats are waking me up. I want to sleep. i want 8 hours of peaceful sleep. I want to sleep without pain or cpap waking me up. I want to sleep without waking up feeling like my body is on fire.
My arm is getting more numb but the pain has gone away so I cancelled the appointment with the hand doc. I am getting another flare of hidradenitis suppurativa again. I have an appointment with my primary in a couple of weeks. I decided to forego the dermatologist for now. It would mean at least 2 appointments per month and the co pays add up.
There are 2 reasons that I don't go to the doc. They blame everything on my weight. Mostly it is true. My weight has caused some issues and made some others worse but some issues I had had for years and they began when there wasn't so much weight. I realize they are just doing their job and there job is to point out the obvious. They don't realize I would rather be dead than be the disgusting freak that I am now. I just fail in my attempts to either lose weight or die.
Yes, this morning I feel empty inside. There really isn't anything there. I could walk out of over a year of therapy the same as I walked in...actually worse. I could walk out of it and barely feel a thing because I am not really here.
I just took 800 mg ibuprofen so my back should begin to loosen up. I will be fine when I get to work....or close to it.
I am going to stop writing in the mornings. I was only doing it to see where my head is in the morning and see if there is a pattern.
I don't remember the second reason I don't go to the doc.....probably because the one issue is a revolving door issue. I would be there every couple of weeks for several months while they figured out an effective treatment plan.
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Why is it such a struggle to connect with our feelings once we have cut them off? I hear so much anger in you - all of it justified - yet you are not able to connect the anger to the abuser. And I feel like my own emotional profile is come kind of \"connect the dots\" picture with huge gaps between the dots. I am sure if we could just get everything lined up and connected properly we could process the feelings and become free.
Yeah...my therapist keeps mentioning how I direct so much anger at myself instead of my brother and Russell. We have been talking about how much I fight myself. I fight change, I fight help. he says I shoot down all his ideas. I suppose I do but sometimes it\'s justified. I don\'t really have the additional 160 to 200 a month for DBT group. He wants me to think of it as an investment and I get that but I really don\'t have the money. Not only is it a money situation but will I be able to commit to the program??? That is a big question for me.
I hear sadness directed towards yourself and it saddens me.
Does your insurance cover DBT? Mine was covered under my mental illness treatment. Just a thought. As for the HS have you tried Sea Salt? When I work out, or in the summer I get breakouts on my back and chest. I use a rag soaked in sea salt or epsom salt and place it over the area. I know some of them are cysts, but it works to dry out the area. I use it and mine go away in a day.. not that HS would but it might brings some relief. My ex sister in law suffered from this, so sorry.
Hey Dooo, Thanks for the sea/Epsom salt suggestion...I will try it. Neither my therapist or any private therapist around here gets reimbursed for groups. Even if he did the cost of the groups would be the same as any co pay. I have a $ 40.00 co pay for any specialist visit and group (if covered) would count as a specialist. The usual charge per group is 40 to 50 a week.
Oh sure! It really helps me, takes out the swelling like the next day, I leave it on the area for about 20 minutes but never on my face. That sucks about the co-pay. They seem to get us everywhere!